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Sence we're talking about churches

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Z3PR, Sep 23, 2004.

  1. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Sence we\'re talking about churches

    There was a church that had problems with outsiders
    parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:

    "CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY,"
    " Trespassers will be baptized!"

    CHURCH SIGN BOARDS:

    "No God - No Peace."
    "Know God - Know Peace."

    "Free Trip to heaven."
    "Details Inside!"

    "Try our Sundays."
    "They're better than Dairy Queen's".

    "Searching for a new look?"
    "Have your faith lifted here!"

    "People are like tea bags" -- "you have to put them in hot water
    before you know how strong they are."

    "Fight truth decay"
    "study the Bible daily."

    "How will you spend eternity"
    "Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

    "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

    "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

    "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

    "If you're headed in the wrong direction,
    God allows U-turns."

    "If you don't like the way you were born,
    try being born again."

    "Looking at the way some people live,"
    "they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

    "This is a ch_ _ ch."
    "What is missing? - (U R)"

    "In the dark?"
    "Follow the Son."

    "Running low on faith?"
    "Step in for a fill-up."

    "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep."
    "Talk to the Shepherd."

    "Come work for the Lord."
    "The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.
    But the retirement benefits are out of this world"

    An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on
    which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads,
    "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

    When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said,
    "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
    own message:
    "We are open on Sundays, too."

    AND THE WINNER !

    - ON THE PASTOR'S PARKING SPOT -
    "PASTOR'S SPOT"
    "YOU PARK, YOU PREACH".
     
  2. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    They think they're clever but they aren't

    What the need is some good old dominion aura and grimness

    Vampires would be nice, but really, I'm dreaming there........

    I'd go to church, I swear, if it wasn't so preachy

    If I could get them to just tell the story, and tell it well....
     
  3. bigyellowjimmy

    bigyellowjimmy 1/2 ton status

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  4. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
    ========

    "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There! are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
    ========


    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10
    times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
    ========


    There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
    ========


    While! driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
    vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
    ========


    A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"
    said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
    "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
    ========


    A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long ho! liday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
    pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
    business"
    ========


    People want the front of the! bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
    ========


    A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
    "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
    "That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
    ========


    Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
    Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
    ========

    this is MY favorite!!!!
    The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the ! church building.
    Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
    "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
    During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
    At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
    And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
     
  5. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    Oooh I got one

    One day Ivahnagal was talking to Shiva and he said "I doth wish I have an ice cream" So Shiva made it. Then he said "This ice cream displeases me" And Shiva said "What" and he said "Ice cream" and Shiva destoryed him utterly and said "You did not scream"

    ....and the moral is, don't piss off Shiva by not eating the ice creams you so rudely demanded
     
  6. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    i've read some of those /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gifto /forums/images/graemlins/truck.gif gonna copy for our pastor. /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  7. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    hey, i'm ROMANIAN leave vampires out of it. /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gifdon't make me fly over and take you into my world. /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gifto /forums/images/graemlins/truck.gif
     
  8. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    Come get me bloodsucker! YOU ARE AN INFERIOR MODEL! A PAST EXPERIMENT THAT LED TO ME!
     
  9. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    and you thought HA. /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gifto /forums/images/graemlins/truck.gif
     
  10. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Re: Sence we\'re talking about churches

    don't make me send the gypsies to steal you chickens /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gifto /forums/images/graemlins/truck.gif
     

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