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Social tips for rednecks

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by shewheeler, Aug 11, 2005.

  1. shewheeler

    shewheeler 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Hollister, CA
    In General...
    1. Never take a beer to an interview.
    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
    3. It's considered in bad taste to take a cooler to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

    Dining Out
    1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

    Entertaining in your home
    1. A centre-piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

    Personal Hygiene
    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in the privacy of your own front porch or yard, using one's own truck keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
    3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewellery, and alter the taste of finger foods.

    Dating (outside the family)
    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be assertive, let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    Theatre Etiquette
    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
    2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.

    Weddings
    1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt is tacky.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

    Driving Etiquette
    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
    5. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
     
  2. cegusman

    cegusman 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
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    .....
     
  3. diesel4me

    diesel4me 1 ton status Premium Member

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    guilty!!

    Hmm..I must be a redneck--I'm guilty of vacuuming my bed!(#4 under "genral hygeine") :haha:
    ..I use a sleeping bag over the other blankets,it helps my back!..but too many crackers in bed means you have to vacuum!(or you get ANTS! :eek1: :yikes: :doah: )...

    HEY!--another "redneck" joke for Jeff Foxworthy!.."If you vacuum the ants off your bed--YOU might be a redneck! :haha: :haha:


    But under #5 on "Driving Ettiquette"

    I WANT everyone to do a posi burnout at MY funeral! :D :haha: ...I can see the hearse now,roasting the tires with its 500 Caddy motor! :haha: :crazy:
     
  4. shewheeler

    shewheeler 1/2 ton status

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    Hey, I just post 'em, I don't write 'em :rolleyes: :doah: ;) :p: :D
     
  5. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Dang.... :haha:
     

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