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Sound advice.

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by chevyracing, Jul 10, 2003.

  1. chevyracing

    chevyracing 1/2 ton status

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    Subject: HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We ' ve all been there but don ' t like to admit it. We ' ve all kicked
    back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As
    much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
    inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
    Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING

    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
    in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
    from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
    expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


    FLY BY

    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
    other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
    again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


    ESCAPEE

    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
    poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment.
    If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
    happen.
    If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
    hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
    Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


    JAILBREAK

    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
    usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
    not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
    spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


    COURTESY FLUSH

    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
    reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
    This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


    WALK OF SHAME

    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
    up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
    walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
    does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

    A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
    an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
    under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
    Pooper before entering the bathroom.


    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
    off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
    Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


    SAFE HAVENS

    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
    visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
    reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


    TURD BURGLAR

    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
    the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
    can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
    until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
    eye contact.


    CAMO-COUGH

    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
    in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
    potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
    ASTAIRE.


    ASTAIRE

    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
    occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
    If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
    poop in peace.


    WATERMELON

    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
    also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create
    a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


    HAVANAOMELET

    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
    water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
    Astaire.


    UNCLE TED

    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
    lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.. An Uncle Ted
    makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
    to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
    bathroom attendees.
     
  2. Muddytazz

    Muddytazz 1 ton status

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  3. k5ntexas

    k5ntexas 1/2 ton status

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  4. landsmasher

    landsmasher 1/2 ton status

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    [ QUOTE ]
    HOW TO POOP AT WORK


    [/ QUOTE ]

    The Answer Is Obvious...

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Blaze

    Blaze 1/2 ton status

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  6. BlazerGuy

    BlazerGuy 3/4 ton status

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    I hate jailbreaks and watermelons... /forums/images/graemlins/deal.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     

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