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The Best Story Ever

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Resurrection_Joe, Jan 19, 2007.

  1. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    One day, a I went to hell

    Yes, I know it sounds odd, but I did

    I prepared myself. I had my penis in a bowling bag. I called up all my unrequited loves and told them how much I loved and hated them. I still haven't had a martini.

    Will someone buy me a martini before I go to hell?

    I hear there's a lot of siffering.

    Suffering!

    I MEANT SUFFERING!

    Wait, I'm mixing up my tenses, menses, redwings, part ball, cubits, noahs ****ing ark and the devil himself cornholing fifty

    Hey hey hey hey, WALK THIS WAYYYYYYYYYYYY

    Uhmmmm

    Ok, so there I was, in hell

    The devil was there, and he had a giant, perfect, wiener

    I was in love with it! I WAS TEMPTED BY THE DEVIL'S WANG!

    Big weighty crimson testicles!

    WOOOOOOOOO!

    Boobs

    I am currently looking into two sets. One weighty and exquisite, one small and pert. Shampoo

    Try as I may have done

    What?

    Ok, so here's the real story

    I had five galleons. Gallons. Galaghere. What Er..... Mellon!

    So I was smashing ****!

    HEY THE DOG IS HERE!

    LITTLE DOGGY!

    WHEEEEEEE!

    So cute

    So anyway

    Yeah, I was in hell. Hell. Hell. Vall Hello!

    So anyway, me an Thor and Odin were all rocking out. I married this Valkyrie and we got married and we had sex forever.

    I am a wonkette

    Seventeen

    SEVENTEEN!

    suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck wsuck

    I spelled it nine times before I ****ed up

    So anyway

    I was in hell, and the devil was being all naked and tempting

    BUT THEN THERE WAS A WILLOWY LITTLE RED SKINNED WAIF WITH PERFECT LITTLE BREASTS AND A TIGHT LITTLE ASS AND WOOOOOO

    DEVIL TAILS ARE FOR YANKING!

    So yeah, she had short green/black hair and a leather choker on. That was it though. Completely naked otherwise. Nipples. Bright and shining nipples.

    Nipples

    Nuptuals.

    Nipptuals.

    **** UFKC FUKLAK KFC!

    I HATE KFC!

    I have to make 110 hamburgers for FFA PEOPLE!

    I belive in the future of argriculture, with a faith born not of wors but of deeds

    Achievements won by the past and present generations of agriculturists

    In the promise of better days through better ways, even as the better things we now enjoy have come to use through the struggle of former years

    I believe that to live and work on a good farm, or to be engaged in other agricultural pursuits, is pleasant as well as challenging; for I know the joys and discomforts of agricultural life and hold an inborn fondness for those associations which, even in hours of discouragement, I cannot deny.

    I believe in leadership from ourselves and respect from others. I believe in my own ability to work efficiently and think clearly, with such knowledge and skill as I can secure, and in the ability of progressive agriculturists to serve our own and the public interest in producing and marketing the product of our toil.


    I believe in less dependence on begging and more power in bargaining; in the life abundant and enough honest wealth to help make it so--for others as well as myself; in less need for charity and more of it when needed; in being happy myself and playing square with those whose happiness depends upon me.


    I believe that American agriculture can and will hold true to the best traditions of our national life and that I can exert an influence in my home and community which will stand solid for my part in that inspiring task.



    FFA 4 LIFE, BITCHES!



    Man, they make you taste bad cheese and milk.


    Why are all cowgirls all skinny and ****?



    Cow poop steams when it plops in winter!



    So anyway there I was in hell with this devil waif and a seafood and steak combo meal totalling fourty pounds. Unlimited bar tab. It was awesome.

    So hot so hot so hot the tempting flesh



    Margarine and marshmallows



    Boiling in your own blood






    SUCKER FREE UTAH!



    BLOOD FREE ORGANIC VEGAN PENIS!



    Shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt



    Everyone wishes




    I want to forget my past
     
  2. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Ok, you know how you can eat pizza forever? I mean, you just can eat it and keep eating it?

    Doesn't work for hard boiled eggs.

    On the plus side, the double plus good side, I finally got a chance to use Paprika that's over 10 years old. Vintage 'Prika
     
  3. Chrisblazzer89

    Chrisblazzer89 1/2 ton status

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    WTF OMG I think I just lost some brain cells reading that!!:D :D :D
     
  4. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    I wish I could make you experience my thought process for an hour, even for five minutes
     
  5. kgillyk5

    kgillyk5 1/2 ton status

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    Thought process:


    I think I'll write a story.

    Stream of consciousness sounds good.

    Wait, first I'll have a few drinks...drinks are yummy.

    Ok...need to mention my experience with satans unmovable object.

    Order pizza.

    Eat pizza.

    More drinks.

    Hate myself,...my past...etc...

    Reflect on self hate..........then write about it.

    More drinks.

    Go outside and check to see if UYB is still breathing...may have used to much duct tape.

    Go inside and sharpen a few hunting knives.

    Reheat left over pizza.

    REPEAT
     
  6. mr.smartass

    mr.smartass 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Sounds like a Beck song to me...
     
  7. kgillyk5

    kgillyk5 1/2 ton status

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    Ya.......I think that song was about a hair-cut though. I don't think Beck got a glimpse of satans hotus either.
     

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