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The Complete Military History of France

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ryan22re, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. ryan22re

    ryan22re 1/2 ton status

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    The Complete Military History of France

    Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    The Dutch War - Tied

    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
    Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.



    :D
     
  2. gjk5

    gjk5 3/4 ton status

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    Pretty funny, these were my two favorites:


     
  3. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    hmmm... this seems veRy familiar...

    j
     
  4. k5james

    k5james 1/2 ton status

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    Also, vEry lame.
     
  5. CDA 455

    CDA 455 3/4 ton status

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    Very interesting!! I'm a big military history buff.
    Have you ever read, 'Hell in a very small place-The Siege of Dien Bien Phu' by Bernard Fall? It's required reading at West Point. It's a 'How-Not-To-Fight-a-Battle' resource book :laugh: :haha: !!

    I have to admit, though; They have some bad-a$$ commandos!! The French Commandos (not to be confused with The (French) Foreign Legion) know how to get things done. Either taking down hijackers of commercial planes or Pinko-liberal environmentalists (Green Peace idiots) they know how to end a stand-off or crisis.
     
  6. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    IMO, 98% of what was good about France got killed in WWI... and half of what was left was killed in WWII. Yes, they have some commandos that are decent... but the vast majority is a steaming pile. There was a time in the 18th century when a lot of French people were as pro-liberty as Americans were. We were sort of brothers in arms in the cause of freedom. Its been downhill ever since for them.

    j
     
  7. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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  8. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    I thought Perhaps I had seen this before.
     
  9. Capman2k

    Capman2k 3/4 ton status

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    I don't remember seeing it... But it's hella good :D
     

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