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The Critic: Ratch's commentary on contemporary music

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by newyorkin, Mar 20, 2006.

  1. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    As part of my new job, in a convoluted way, I have to hear contemporary music all day. That's the crap that's selling the most and playing on the radio/MTV/etc.
    So without further ado:


    James Blunt - "You're Beautiful" - Clearly this is an individual who heard Motorhead as a kid and said "If someone is going to pay that guy to sing, I can DEFINATELY make it". Unfortunately, it's like he heard the sound of Motorhead, and obviously really liked Hall and Oats slow love songs. A combination of awful lyrics and horrendous vocal skills make this a surefire hit for um, something, hopefully a bullet. Having to hear it 2x a day sometimes makes me want to extract my brain through my eye socket. I admit, though, I do get a kick out of holding my nose and faking an overbite and Rod Stewart scratchy throat to sing along.

    Howie Day - "Collide" - If ever a song was written for the sole sake of hoping a movie would be written for it, this must be it. And a sappy whiny chick flick at that. Not to be mistaken as a song so good someone can come up with an entire movie just to use it (I.E. Bush's "Machinehead"). This song makes you visualize a man and woman walking towards each other on a snowy city street, stumbling into each other and starting a relationship that turns out to be tumultuous then finally resolves itself the same way it started, with the song ending on them looking into each others eyes. Until (in my movie at least) a crazed drunken homeless guy that smells like eggs kicks the guys ass for being a preppy nerd and playing such a faggy song. The chick gets disgusted goes to a bar.

    Natasha Bedingfield - "Unwritten" - True teenage angst, without the attitude, direction, gristle of Avril Levigne. Very lazy vocal talent. Really annoying to listen to, sounds like she could be a good singer if she didn't force herself to sound sloppy and insert voice cracks here and there where they don't musically fit. Or, she just grew up with people telling her she has a great voice and she didn't bother to ever figure out how to use it until someone said they'd stick a band behind her. It could be a good song otherwise. The end "oh ohhhhhoh" chorus sounds like a half dozen overwieght teenage girls upset that someone ran off with the chocolate fudge cake (no offense meant to overweight teenage girls). Totally disorganized vocally. The studio musicians should move on without her.

    Faith Hill - "Like We Never Loved At All" - Yet another "Why aren't you as whiny as me?" song from Faith Hill. Stupid lyrics, starting at the first line, heartfelt sadness, country overtones, bouncing melody, and Tim McGraw pops in with purposeless background shout outs that don't go anywhere. For the bazillionth time. She should have stayed in country and not tried to work the pop side so hard. Now she sounds so desparate to get back to country, she's singing any crappy song that comes along with a slight country sound, and they all start to sound the same. Hell, I should write one while her quality radar is down.
    I'm sure Tim's part is just there so radio DJ's can intro the song as "Faith Hill with Tim McGraw" to get people to listen, thinking it might actually be a cool song. Except in pop music, no one knows who Tim McGraw is, so they end up selling the "With husband Tim McGraw" line, which makes all the desparate housewives think it'll be some sappy piece of crap between a husband and wife. She's a good singer, but somehow got all frigged up. Good vocals are the only thing keeping her head above water now. I met her like 3 or 4 times and used to think she was great. I may meet her again. I think I'm going to tell her this if I do. Think Tim will kick my ass?

    Carrie Underwood - "Some Hearts" - I thought this song was great when it first came on, then a chord suddenly went totally disharmonious and slammed me into a brick wall. As I peeled my face off it, I found the song was back to being cool again and kept a nice comfortable pace into the chorus. Then in the next verse, all of a sudden Chordzilla comes back and harmonically beats me senseless. I know the song well enough now to be able to mentally duck when the chord tries to attack, so I think it's a cool song now.

    Rob Thomas - Anything by him - Somewhere, in a club down in Florida, there is a band that's missing it's cocky egotistical wobbley-vocalled front man...because he's making wierd records as Rob Thomas (if you were thinking David Lee Roth, you're wrong, but stayed tuned for my review of morning radio hosts, coming soon). Any time anything by Rob Thomas comes on the radio, I unconsciously forget the radio is on. Maybe it's hypnotic. That's why I can't really do a review, I can't remember what the frig any songs are or what they sound like.

    Kelly Clarkson - "Because of You" and that other one she has out right now - It took me like 2 years to catch up to popular opinion, but I like her songs. They're great melodies and she's a quality singer, no vocal gimmicks or mediocre production. I wouldn't go as far as buying a CD, but I'd actually turn up the radio for her songs. Who'd have thought an American Idol star would actually be a talented singer with a career that's developed some staying power?

    Michael Buble - "Last Dance" , "Home" - You can tell this guy was hoping to be the next Sinatra. He may pull it off, too. Personally, I think he's a flat line and there's no better word to describe him than...Annoying. The "Home" song makes me want to shoot myself and possibly others because life is horrendous and should not be lived unless you have a drink in your hand and can lean against a bar in a dark lounge in the middle of the day with a piano player lazily rolling off tunes... Starbucks may be used in place of dark lounge.

    Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" - Another Rod Stewart wanna be? As Avril Lavigne (yes, I mentioned her already) proved, songs that bounce up and down will appeal to masses. Do the lyrics to this song actually say anything? I think it may just be a catchy chorus that sales people like to sing along to, but the song doesn't make any sense if you look at the lyrics on paper.

    Lifehouse - "You and Me" - See Howie Day "Collide" review...

    Kieth Urban - anything - I tried to dislike this guy, but his music is great, singing is good, lyrics (usually) make sense and are nice to hear, production is excellent, and it's true feel good music. I admit I own two Keith Urban CD's now and may even load some songs into my MP3 player to listen to on the bike with my Country tunes...

    Sheryle Crow and Sting - "Always on Your Side" - Back to stupid lyrics. I swear, this song is so gnawing, all I hear in it is "Butterflies are free to fly" over and over again, and the rest of it is junk. Well it's all junk, but that's the only part I can identify, because it's pounded into my head. Freaking alligators are free to eat small mammals, is anyone using that as a chorus 300 times per song? Come on Elton, how about a song about a gator eating old Red? When Sheryle did that really bad duet with that rap guy that has Rock in his name where he tried to actually sing, I felt really bad for her. Now I don't feel bad anymore...she needs to fire whoever's arranging her duets and picking the songs. For a duet to be cool, the song has to be good, too. I've always thought two stars crossing lines to sing together was really lame if the song sounded cheap and rushed or pointless, like they just grabbed something they could sing together. CMT's crossroads has this idea down pretty good, as this song proves again, individual artists need to use better material when they try it...

    Nickleback - "Photograph" - While I think it's kinda odd to hear a guy singing a slow and reflective song with that constipated energy, I think it's cool that someone mellow will go buy their record for this song and be slammed into a wall by some of the heavier/faster stuff on it... :haha: There's a reason the guy sounds like he sings with too much force... As much as I'm not a Metallica fan anymore, I think they nailed this approach with Nothing Else Matters. That will probably be the Ballad-esque song pop metal bands will be compared to for a while. And in comparison, this Nickleback song feels kinda cheap. Like Metallica is the caviar and wine, and Nickleback is the chips and beer.



    Ok, I'm done. No one asked for it, but I know my wife is sick of hearing me botch about it when I have some retarded song stuck in my head from work, so I figured I'd vent and you guys might benefit from the warnings of what to watch out for when hanging around women with control of the radio.
     
  2. gauder

    gauder Banned

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    Rob Thomas - Anything by him

    He did do that one song with Santana that's pretty okay.
     
  3. mikey_d05

    mikey_d05 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    OMFG!!!! :haha: :haha: :haha: :bow: :bow:
     
  4. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Oh good lord, you too? We get two stations where I live that aren't country (someytimes I can pull in oldies). One is NPR, which is ok at times and simply retarded at others, the other is all this.

    My routine for work is...... walk in, turnt he radio off, turn my stereo on, start work
     
  5. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    Yeah, but in my job, turning off the radio would be a bad thing, so I just bite the bullet and dream of 5:30 o clock when I can put my headphones on and try to flush my system with Audioslave or Waylon...:haha:
     
  6. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    What? I though you rules cubicleland with a baseball bat and your helmet....

    Oh man, hold on, I HAVE to go draw that scene
     
  7. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    No, I never ruled a cubicle, I've always had my own office with a door and a lock. But that ended in the beginning of the month, I got an offer to be a cheif engineer at a shop way out from the city. I'll probably be back in the city in a couple years, but for now, I'm actually doing hard work again. I spent all day today freezing on the roofs of various buildings and with my head inside equipment racks...
     
  8. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    I only know office life from the Dilbert

    Frozen roofs in a shortsleeve and tie and laughing at the cold!

    PS - Stay on, comic thing is done, gotta upload
     
  9. diesel4me

    diesel4me 1 ton status Premium Member

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    New country...eeech!...

    I dont care for 90% of the songs on "country" radio today..the few I do like they never play very often..others are OVER played to the point of inducing vomiting every time I hear them come on..even the "good" ones!..

    I liked Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take The Wheel"...but after hearing it 6000 times a day,the song began to grate on my nerves..I think she's a talented vocalist,but I haven't heard any of her other tunes..she will go far if nashville doesn't turn her into a pop queen too..

    Faith Hill?...Used to love Faith when she first came out..I met her twice at fan fair,she was very attractive,a nice down home personality..but I felt rushed thru the autogragh line both times..since then she decided to become a "Diva"..like Celine Dion..havent heard much "country" from Faith in years..radio overplays her,and especially her husband,Tim Mcgraw..its like they OWN the stations...

    I shut the radio off if he comes on,and thats nearly every time I DO turn it on..only Kenny Chesney ,Toby Keith,Keith Urban,and Rascall Flatts get overplayed constantly..Keith Urban is OK,but his new song is boring as hell....ZZZZZZ!..many country songs are too sappy and slow nowadays..

    I think the females are way more talented than many male artists in country ..Martina Mcbride,Terry Clark,Sara Evans,Lee Ann Womack,and Lee Ann Rimes are about the best on the radio today...Alan Jackson and George Straight,Alabama and Vince Gill,John Anderson,John Conlee are a few male artists I like hearing,along with all the legends like Cash,Jones,Haggard,etc..

    Rhonda Vincent,Alison Krauss,Patty Loveless,Kathy Mattea,Suzy Bogguss,and Pam Tillis are the ones I listen too mostly..heavenly voices,and they consistently put out great songs,both lyrically and the musicianship..I cant think of one song of any of theirs that I don't like,or "skip" over while listening to a cd..They are the ones who can clean all the crud out of your ears from listening to all that "new" stuff,most of which either sucks,or is played so much you tire of hearing it in one week..:crazy:
     
  10. beater_k20

    beater_k20 Banned

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    Bob, i would've NEVER guessed you didnt like "new" country!!! why didnt you tell us before? :surepal: :screwy:
     

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