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THE SOUTHERN STATES

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by 70~K5, Oct 21, 2002.

  1. 70~K5

    70~K5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    sillycon valley
    THE SOUTHERN STATES

    Recently, visitors to our states have displayed an unusual ignorance =
    about the basic facts of life in these here parts. In an effort to help =
    outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind, it has been decided to =
    hand the following list to each visitor as they enter a Southern state.

    1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than =
    you do all week at the gym.

    2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're =
    going to get dust on your SUV. Drive it or get it out of the way.

    3. The red dirt - it's called "clay". Red "clay". If you like the =
    color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The =
    big lumps of it are called "clods".

    4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. =
    Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

    5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get =
    you whipped - by our women.

    6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a =
    flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little =
    13-inch trout you fish for - we call 'em "bait".

    7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

    8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, =
    and wear your hair long, go right ahead - but if we call you "ma'am", =
    don't be offended.

    9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making =
    their final approach, we WILL shoot it. You might want to ensure it's =
    not up to your ear - or even on your person - at the time.

    10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for =
    what you paid at the airport for one drink.

    11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak. =
    Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two =
    pounds of ham and turkey.

    12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is =
    sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - =
    add a lot of water.

    13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served =
    over ice.

    14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. =
    We have a quarter-million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a =
    year.

    15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop =
    when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

    16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. =
    So you're a feminist? You don't say! Ain't that cute?

    17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat =
    (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go =
    to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our =
    senior citizens with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am", and we sometimes still =
    take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

    18. We don't do "hurry up" well.

    19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You =
    boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.

    20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really =
    want sushi and caviar? They're available at the bait shop.

    21. Those are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. =
    Don't like it? Interstate 65 and 75 goes two ways - Interstates 10, 20 =
    and 40 go the other two. Pick one.

    22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe some pepper on =
    them. You want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of =
    wheat. Go to Kansas. That would be I-20 West, then I-35 North.

    23. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season or dove =
    season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and =
    sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

    24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being =
    friendly. Understand the concept?

    25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It =
    spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, =
    we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball =
    players.

    26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving =
    like an idiot - his name is "Sir", no matter how old (or young) he is. =
    Get smart with him and you WILL regret it. We, on the other hand, will =
    stop to enjoy it.

    27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. =
    You park your SUV under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

    28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No =
    questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all 4 of =
    them - enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for =
    beating up the flag burner. We will take up collections at church to =
    pay Bubba's fine, if necessary.

    Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - "visit".
     
  2. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    OKC, Oklahoma
    Amen!

    John
     
  3. nvrenuf

    nvrenuf NONE shall pass! Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2002
    Posts:
    13,076
    Likes Received:
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    Location:
    Mobile, Al.
    Hey I resemble that post! /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif /forums/images/graemlins/usaflag.gif
     

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