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Think before you speak

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Muddytazz, Apr 28, 2006.

  1. Muddytazz

    Muddytazz 1 ton status

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2002
    Posts:
    20,073
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Salem, Or.
    FIRST TESTIMONY:

    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
    kids in tow and
    asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo
    and a blow job?" I
    turned around and walked back out and never went back.
    My husband
    didn't say a word...he knew better.

    SECOND TESTIMONY:

    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
    golf balls. I was
    unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
    browsing for
    several minutes, I was approached by one of the
    good-looking gentlemen
    who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
    Without thinking,
    I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
    men's balls."

    THIRD TESTIMONY:

    My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
    that sold a
    variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the
    display case, the
    boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
    replied, "No, I'm
    just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
    hysterically.
    The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked
    away. To this day, my
    sister has never let me forget.

    FOURTH TESTIMONY:

    While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
    decided to release
    some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able
    to grab hold of
    her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
    from other patrons.
    I told her that if she did not start behaving "right
    now" she would be
    punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
    said in a voice
    just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right
    now, I will tell
    Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
    night!"
    The silence was deafening after this enlightening
    exchange. Even the
    tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up
    the last of my
    dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in
    tow. The last
    thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were
    screams of laughter.

    FIFTH TESTIMONY:

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many
    times? My
    three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
    training and I was
    on him constantly.
    One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
    between errands.
    It was very busy, with a full dining room. I smelled
    something funny,
    so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
    and she was clean.
    Then I realized that Rob had not asked to go potty in
    a while. I asked
    him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept
    thinking "Oh Lord,
    that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
    clean clothes with
    me." Then I said, "Rob, are you SURE you didn't have
    an accident?"
    "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an
    accident,
    because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one
    more time, "Rob,
    did you have an accident?"
    This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent
    over, spread his
    cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
    laughing, he
    calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older
    couple made me feel
    better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever
    had!

    LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

    This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing
    for 2 days and a
    very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
    future, likely
    think before she speaks. What happens when you predict
    snow, but don't
    get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day
    after it was supposed
    to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
    and asked: "So Bob,
    where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
    only did HE have
    to leave the set,
    but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
     

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