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Think you're too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by shewheeler, Jan 13, 2004.

  1. shewheeler

    shewheeler 1/2 ton status

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    Think you\'re too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

    TODDLER MIRACLE DIET

    Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?

    Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!

    Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor... otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!


    DAY ONE
    -------
    Breakfast
    One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
    Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
    Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
    Lunch
    Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
    glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
    Dinner
    A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
    Bedtime Snack
    Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.


    DAY TWO
    -------
    Breakfast
    Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
    bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
    Lunch
    Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
    Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
    Afternoon Snack
    Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
    dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
    Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
    Dinner
    A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
    nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.


    DAY THREE
    ---------
    Breakfast
    Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
    hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass.
    After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off
    fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
    Lunch
    Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
    bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
    Dinner
    Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.


    FINAL DAY
    ---------
    Breakfast
    A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
    olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a
    half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
    cereal to dog.
    Lunch
    Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
    sucker and finish eating it.
    Dinner
    A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
    plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

    /forums/images/graemlins/ignore.gif
     
  2. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Re: Think you\'re too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

    Sounds about right..... /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  3. RedBrute

    RedBrute 1/2 ton status

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    Location:
    Southern tier New York
    Re: Think you\'re too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

    That is an accurate account of how my boys were when they were toddlers. Only thing missing was grazing on dust bunnies under the bed /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  4. Muddytazz

    Muddytazz 1 ton status

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    Location:
    Salem, Or.
    Re: Think you\'re too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  5. kennyw

    kennyw N9PHW Premium Member

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    Location:
    Stevens Pass Highway, WA
    Re: Think you\'re too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  6. Topdown

    Topdown 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Vancouver, Washington, U.S.A
    Re: Think you\'re too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  7. one ton burb

    one ton burb 1/2 ton status

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    Ontario, Canada
    Re: Think you\'re too fat? Try this amazing new diet!!!

    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     

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