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This one will make your eyes water from laughing

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by mudhog, May 7, 2002.

  1. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Location:
    portland oregon
    This one will make your eyes water from laughing...
    From Texas:
    They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
    I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy [censored], what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
    beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
    nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
    routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
    on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
    getting [censored]-faced from all the beer.
    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
    fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
    was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
    starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili
    an aphrodisiac?
    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty,
    strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
    kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use
    more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
    by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
    my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to
    stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
    onions, and garlic. Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I [censored] myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
    cone!
    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
    world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
    covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
    My pants are full of lava-like [censored] to match my damn shirt. At
    least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
    through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
     
  2. StoneyK5

    StoneyK5 1/2 ton status

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    I've read this before and started to read it again but had to stop before I busted a gut holding back a belly laugh !!! /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif I'm at work...
     
  3. UseYourBlinker

    UseYourBlinker 1 ton status

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    /forums/images/icons/smile.gif Seriously this is one of the funniest damn things I've ever read on CK5. I love it! LMAO!
     
  4. Stickseler

    Stickseler 3/4 ton status

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    Dude my head hurts from laughing so much. Hey I think I may have finaly cleared my sinuses /forums/images/icons/smile.gif
     
  5. lifted95z71

    lifted95z71 1/2 ton status

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    my gut hurts i cant stop laughing.
     

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