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This will make your day

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by K5Steve, Sep 29, 2005.

  1. K5Steve

    K5Steve 1/2 ton status

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    My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

    Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

    Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Gretchen. The occasion was our 14th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

    Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

    Friggin' way-trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY s**t! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making barking sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution.)

    There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
    You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-B1+cH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back!

    AMIGO DON'T EVER DO THIS!
     
  2. MattK

    MattK 1/2 ton status

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    repost
     
  3. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: Next time, test in bar on unsuspecting subject(s), LOL.
     
  4. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Bwa, ha ha ha ha, hee. hee. hee..............choke, choke, cough........hee, hee!!!:bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:

    Now, that's funny!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  5. K5Steve

    K5Steve 1/2 ton status

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    Yeah,my eyes were watering when I read that. :haha:
     
  6. mtnman210

    mtnman210 1/2 ton status

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    :haha::haha: ok ya made me laugh in the middle of a lecture in my managent360 class. try coming up with a quick response to "excuse me... what is so funny?" when you've just read..."I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position."
     
  7. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

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    I feel so much better now. A real laugh is sometimes hard to come by.
     
  8. diesel4me

    diesel4me 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Taser tales...

    That was a good read!..I needed a laugh!.. :haha: :haha: :bow: --but speaking of Tasers...

    Our little hamlet of Raynham Ma just became the first in MA to have all our police officers outfitted with Tasers! :eek1: --it was a heated debate at the town meeting over them,whether to allow them or not(we had them briefly in 1986,but a much lower power version,that were outlawed eventually--theese are the one that shoot the darts out and stick in ya! :eek1: )...

    Many folks here were concerned since they leave no real evidence of being used,or lasting harmful effects,there was a big potential for abuse by the cops..time will tell I guess,if they try using them to get confessions or get someone to "snitch"!..but I feel safer with them having them in a way,after seeing how many crack addicts are roaming around here stealing everything,and shoplifting..better than bullets flying around at Wal-Mart!..

    All I know is I hope I am never on the recieving end of a taser...HEI is bad enough! :eek1: :crazy:
     
  9. big pappa b

    big pappa b 3/4 ton status

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    I need to go to bed now but tomorrow at work I will type up 2 fond memories I have about my old stun gun. they were pretty funny to me but not the victims :p:
     
  10. big pappa b

    big pappa b 3/4 ton status

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    The first one was in Texas at a party. A guy I worked with wanted to buy a stun gun for his wife for protection but he wanted to try it out first, on himself. We were at work and he kept shocking his finger but he wanted to test it out the right way. So at the party we got beside this house and he let me stun him. He had a tank top on and the shoulder area has a lot of nerves so that was my target J

    He said “when I tell you to stop you better stop” as soon as I hit him with it he started sliding down the side of the house to the ground. He was trying to talk but just couldn't’t get the words out so I didn't’t stop..hahaha. I had it on him for about 5 seconds. They were 5 REAL LONG seconds to him. He sat on the ground for several minutes not able to get up.

    Second story was funny to me but not to the guy it happened to.
    So I was in a bass fishing club and we were camped out for the weekend. We were all sitting around the campfire one night. About 5 of us were on a picnic table. My bro in law knew I had the stun gun with me but the switch was broken ( I thought) He took it and turned to one of his buddies that was sitting on top of the picnic table. The guy was wearing some very short cutoff blue jean shorts. My bro in law acts like he is going to shock this guy in his nads. About that time he hits the switch to scare the guy and the damn things decided to work. He zapped that guy on the head of his pee pee through his shorts. The guy fell off the table and was rolling on the ground in pain. Everyone else couldn’t stop laughing. Needless to say, my bro in law had to watch his back for the rest of the weekend
     
  11. K5Steve

    K5Steve 1/2 ton status

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  12. Skigirl

    Skigirl 1/2 ton status

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    O.M.G. :haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha:

    Living room chair = $250. Loving pet = $25. Selling a Taser to just the right person = priceless.

    BTW, make and model please... I have friends who might just be relatives of yours. Would like to get it on film. :haha::haha::haha:
     
  13. southernspeed

    southernspeed 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Excellent!! Thanks man, I really needed that laugh...damn face aches now!!! :D
     
  14. tiger9297

    tiger9297 1/2 ton status

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    I'm laughing so hard I'm crying and my chest hurts. I think I'm having a heart attack. I'm going to look like an idiot if someone walks into my office.
     
  15. K5Steve

    K5Steve 1/2 ton status

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    I know,you can't help picture it the whole time you're reading.
     
  16. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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  17. shewheeler

    shewheeler 1/2 ton status

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    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

    You need to teach your doggie how to take pictures :D
     
  18. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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  19. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    They're stupid.....................
     
  20. Kim Can

    Kim Can 1/2 ton status

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    Oh my god! I am finally calmed down enought to type this. I laughed so hard at this I was crying! I don't even know what to say, but that was one of the most hilarious things I've ever read. I'm sure it was quite painful for you, but it made for a good tale! Thanks!
     

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