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Tool Identification Guide

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by JeremyK5, Aug 26, 2004.

  1. JeremyK5

    JeremyK5 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    I found this on another forum, and thought it was pretty funny.

    Tool Identification Guide

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
    power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
    travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
    bolts last tightened 50 years ago by someone in Michigan or England
    and twists them off.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
    acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
    determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    BEAM-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening
    nuts and bolts. Chief characteristic of using = The handle will ALWAYS
    contact firewall or fender-well just BEFORE the required torque value
    is reached.

    BREAKER BAR: A long tool for loosening and tightening nuts and bolts.
    May substitute for TORQUE WRENCH. When used to tighten nuts and bolts,
    the rule of thumb is "Tighten Until It Strips - Then Back It Off 1/4
    Turn".

    CLICK-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening
    nuts and bolts. May also be used as a very accurate and expensive
    BREAKER BAR

    CRESCENT WRENCH: See PLIERS

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
    and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
    freshly painted part you were drying.

    EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used as a long lever with crushable ends.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
    and is ten times harder than any known center punch or drill bit.

    FLASHLIGHT: A GREAT holder for dead batteries.

    GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
    mayonnaise or peanut butter. Used mainly for getting dog-doo off your
    boot.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
    object we are trying to hit.

    HAND ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
    their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
    drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
    to the rear wheel.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: A device used for raising a vehicle off of the
    ground. When RAISING - The first stopping point will ALWAYS be 1/2
    inch below the top of the Jack Stand. When LOWERING - The stopping
    point of the Jack will ALWAYS be 1/2 inch above the height needed to
    remove the Jack.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on boxes containing tonneaus, soft tops, and leather upholstery kits.

    OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used as a non-drifting drift to ALMOST
    align motor mount holes. Can also be used, as the name implies, to
    round off Phillips screw heads.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
    hydraulic floor jack.

    PLIERS: An adjustable tool used to round off bolt heads.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    PUTTY KNIFE: A shorter and wider version of a GASKET SCRAPER (above).
    Who the heck uses putty anymore anyway ?

    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating the grease
    that has built up on a harmonic balancer.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Accurately called a
    "drop" light. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
    vitamin," which is not otherwise found under automobiles at night.
    Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light
    bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
    during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
    often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. Makes a
    tinkling sound and a whisp of smoke when splashed with radiator coolant.

    TUBING CUTTER: A very accurate tool used to cut brake and fuel lines
    exactly 1/2 inch too short.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters caused by the above.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
    strength of ground straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
    disconnect.

    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
    available, they can also be used to rapidly transfer intense welding
    heat to the palm of your hand.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
    1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    WIRE BRUSH WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
    somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
    fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar string callouses in about
    the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

    1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    without the handle.

    6-FOOT STEEL TAPE: A long slender steel ribbon with inch marks. Steel
    tapes ALWAYS break-away and bend downwards just before you reach the
    point to which you are measuring.
     
  2. jjlaughner

    jjlaughner 3/4 ton status

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    [ QUOTE ]
    CLICK-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening
    nuts and bolts. May also be used as a very accurate and expensive
    BREAKER BAR

    [/ QUOTE ] /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif

    [ QUOTE ]
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
    and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
    freshly painted part you were drying.

    [/ QUOTE ] /forums/images/graemlins/doah.gif /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
     
  3. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!! /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gifI'm cryin ,I was laughing so hard.... /forums/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif
     
  4. 84gmcjimmy

    84gmcjimmy 1 ton status

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    LOL! thats funny, im saving that!
     
  5. FatBoyBlazer

    FatBoyBlazer 1/2 ton status

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    /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gifthats good stuff
     
  6. ntsqd

    ntsqd 1/2 ton status

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    Man, that is old. Cool, but old. It's from a column in one of the car mags from at least 8 years ago. When I can remember the columnist's name I'll post it.
     
  7. SF87K5

    SF87K5 1/2 ton status

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    That is so funny. /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif

    I hate to see what a grinder or a Reciprocating Saw would be called. /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif
     
  8. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    don't forget the slide hammer, works great for removing that extra flesh between your thumb and pointer finger, (when you pinch it between the slider and the handle with a nice long swing on it) took forever to heel too, due to constant moovment! /forums/images/graemlins/angryfire.gif /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
     
  9. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    Bumpity-bump-bump-bump.
     
  10. justhorsinaround

    justhorsinaround 3/4 ton status

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    Thank you for resurrecting that!
     
  11. ntsqd

    ntsqd 1/2 ton status

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    Peter Egan (sp?) is the author, Road & Track column.
     

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