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Tools: What they're actually used for.

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by RockinChevy, Nov 2, 2006.

  1. RockinChevy

    RockinChevy 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    I copied and pasted it from my buddy's email... Thought it was too funny to pass up.. Had to share it with you guys :rotfl: :haha:

    A description of tools and what they are really for.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
    flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
    chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
    that freshly painted part that was set aside to dry.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
    whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
    to say, "Ouch..."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
    their holes until you die of old age.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
    availabl e, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
    the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
    1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
    ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the
    jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
    upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
    hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
    for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your
    boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
    known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
    called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
    vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
    benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
    the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
    first
    few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
    name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
    paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
    used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
    coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
    compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
    wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by
    someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50 cent part

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
    nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
    expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.


    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
    bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
    garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the
    next tool that you will need.
     
  2. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Run for your life man...
     
  3. OrangeCrushK10

    OrangeCrushK10 1/2 ton status

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    SEriously. Run.
     
  4. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  5. ntsqd

    ntsqd 1/2 ton status

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    Search "Peter Egan", he's the author of this. Originally appeared in his column a long time ago in one of the sporty car rags (R&T, C&D, etc.)
     
  6. RockinChevy

    RockinChevy 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Thanks for mentioning this:thumb: I wondered where this came from.... it was forwarded all around for so long... Still had to post it.. :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  7. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    :haha: :haha: Pretty close to home...
     
  8. MTMike

    MTMike 1/2 ton status

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    So true it hurts! :haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::bow:
     
  9. UseYourBlinker

    UseYourBlinker 1 ton status

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    I think I read the same list back in '92 .:wink1:
     
  10. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    I've seen it before too, but it makes me laugh every time. Its so true it hurts.:haha: :haha:
     
  11. NEK5

    NEK5 3/4 ton status Premium Member

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    :D :D :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  12. ntsqd

    ntsqd 1/2 ton status

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    It is in my Top Ten list of reposts. First time I saw it was prior to most people having net access. I was faxed it. Who remembers all of the "fax trash" that used to go around?
     

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