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Treatment of friend, by friend.... advice would be nice....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by sled_dog, Aug 15, 2005.

  1. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    Yeah this is going to be stupid, since I already know what I SHOULD do, just want to see if people agree...

    Alright, my tattoo artist is the girlfriend of one of my best buddies. I've known him since 10th grade I believe. Anyway, they started dating in our senior year I believe. No, later in our Junior year. They were great together, he treated her wonderfully and her the same. They fell in love, she was very happy since all her previous beaus were assholes, druggies, and trash.

    Fast forward to about graduation time. They are still together, but he doesn't treat her nearly as well, still not badly I'd say, just fallen into a long term relationship(yes I'm young this is long term). She still does special things for him randomly, but he gets annoyed by it, not liking her to spend money on things like that. He is a cheap guy, doesn't like to go out to eat or anything, he gets that from his father. However when it comes to his truck, oh boy no amount of money is too much.

    Shortly after graduation I got my first tattoo, by her. We were of course acquainted by this point, but we talk a lot when I get tattooed. We have since become very good friends in our own right.

    Fast forward to him going away to college. Oh boy, **** hits the fan. He treats her like crap in general. Never does anything special for her, ever. He avoids her calls often and conversations often end in arguments. He breaks up with her in his second year at school(also his last). They get back together shortly afterwards.

    Well fast forward to now. He still treats her like ass, worse then ever I think. She takes it, and doesn't stand up for herself. She is an airhead, when she acts like one, instead of thinking it cute or correcting her, he gets angry and yells at her. Tshy was a bit of an airhead, I always just chuckled and kissed her on the forehead, but I didn't spend as much time with her of course, I still can't see it making me angry. She got a new car, he took it out to fix some overspray on the door(he used to be a detailer). Well he drove it around all day and left it with little in the way of gas and the front facia scratched to hell, on her new to her beautiful sonic blue 2002 Mustang GT. She asked him what happened that it got scratched up, and he freaked out on her. Whenever I see them together, he stands almost rigid and doesn't like her touching him. This could be a problem with displays of affection but its just not right in my eyes. He treats her with a huge double standard. If she scratched his truck at all, he'd probably break her neck. If she goes to the bar with friends he gets paranoid as all hell, but nothing wrong with him going away for the weekend and getting wasted. She has to check to make sure everything is ok with him or hide it from him. I'm certain he doesn't know that I spend nearly the amount of time I do with her. I see no reason to hide it though, I have no interest in her other then as a dear friend.

    The whole thing makes me angry. First that he has the balls to treat her like that, and second that she takes its. I truly believe he is just with her till something "better" comes along. In my eyes she is as good as it gets. Shes a really cool girl, very nice, very attractive, worships the ground he walks on, I just don't get it. I have been telling her for a long time to at least stand up for herself, or break up with him. She seems afraid to get back on the market . What do you guys think I should do? As of yet I haven't talked to him about it all, I think he resents me slightly anymore, because of the time I spend with her. But when its just me and him hes still the same old guy with me.

    I don't know, I have no life at the moment, haven't for a long time now and what little life I have angers me(Amanda and DJ being large parts of that little life). I can't stand to see her treated that way but she needs to stand up for herself.
     
  2. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Make the best and most intellectual argument you can, and do so often

    Try and take on an otherworldy concern and quote well, wax poetic
     
  3. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    I spout statements that sound prophetic in origin, but are solely me, she takes few of them to heart I'd say. She said something about how she asked why he doesn't do special things for her or show affection for her as much anymore, his response was something to the affect of "I don't lust for you as you do for me anymore". I pointed out that the use of the word lust was either a huge mistake of language or a perfect statement of the entire relationship from his point of view.
     
  4. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Seems like an object, once won, needs to further pursuit or care

    Is she an object?
     
  5. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    how do you mean? Do you mean is she a trophy won and placed on the mantle? If so then I'd say yes she probably is to him. Shes a very pretty girl that I know many people who would love to have her, thats always an appeal to a guy at first, to have what others want.
     
  6. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Yes, that's what I'm saying, he doesn;t have to impress her or be kind to keep her anymore

    If your truck ran without any matenence and constant abuse just as well with great care, which would you do?
     
  7. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    very good analogy. I do just that with my trucks too, beat it till it breaks, then baby it for a bit, then back to beating it. I will have to try and convey that to her.
     
  8. Grieby54

    Grieby54 1/2 ton status

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    wow... RJ's pretty deep... I agree, tell her to look back at how he's changed. Suggest that she break up with him to shake up his confidence a little bit. If he comes back a changed man, then good. If not, then she needs a different one...
     
  9. 89GMCSuburban

    89GMCSuburban 1/2 ton status

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    Why bother? I'll be honest, man...I've tried to play the saviour. But guess what, they wouldn't be with them if they didn't want that for some twisted reason.
    I'd convince a girl that this guy was wrong, and all they'd do is get with someone the same or worse. Some girls are just like that. You always hear that, "Why do chicks love assholes?" It's something that will probably never be answered, but is something that does exist. Just let her figure it out herself (Unless you'd like to have prospects with this girl....)
     
  10. 55Willy

    55Willy 3/4 ton status

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    i'v kinda got the same thing going here. I had a co worker who has a total deadbeat boyfriend who treats her like crap, they have been together for like 3 years. he treated her great till he moved up here for college. anyhoo....

    she thinks I only want her to leave him cause i like her. i even flat out told her leave him for yourself not for me. and now we found the girl he has been cheating on her with and she denies it.... love is blind
     
  11. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    If you're friends with both of them, tell them just that, and you can't take sides. Best too stay out of it.
     
  12. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

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    Does she complain to you about how she's treated? If she doesn't complain to you, then she must think she's doing ok.. a lot of women don't think they're in a real relationship unless they are suffering, and if that describes her, you can't fix that.

    If however she does complain to you about things, yet lets it continue, Then she's playing victim for you. I'd ask her what she gets out of being crapped on. I'd then tell her that it doesn't take any guts to stay in a pile of crap, and that she should grow the f**k up and quit wasting her life.

    Young women love drama and attention..either they wise up and grow out of it, or they get pregnant and trap themselves in loveless marriages. Or they get the crap kicked out of them by mr. wonderful.

    Hard experience has taught me that people do exactly what they want, and end up getting what they deserve.

    If she's that special to you, be willing to keep making your point, even if she gets pissed at you. At least you know you did all you could.



    Tom
     
  13. JIM88K5

    JIM88K5 1/2 ton status

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    Do you also lust for this woman ? Do you want to date her ? If you think a long term relationship with an airhead is what you want, steal her away. If you just don't like their relationship and want to be their counselor you might want to think twice.
     
  14. 78jimmygirl

    78jimmygirl Registered Member

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    Are you sure you are being honest with yourself about your feelings for her?
    I have a friend that was in a abusive/controlling relationship and there was nothing I could do about it but be there for her when she was ready to leave him.
     
  15. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    I am certain I am being honest with myself. She is just a friend to me. A close friend, but nothing more. Sure I find her attractive, but I'm male. And yes she complains to me, CONSTANTLY. I think I'm just going to sit back, as much as it sucks I don't want to hurt either friendship, though if he continues down the path he is on I don't know if I care to have him for a friend.
     
  16. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    Maybe he's not as big an a hole as we all think... Looking at it from his perspective rather than hers exclusively...

    It actually sounds like he's tired of the relationship, but maybe fears having no one, and/or doesn't know how to terminate it without closing her off from his life completely, and he still likes her enough to want a friendship.
    Also, if she worships the ground he walks on, he may care for her enough to not want to torment her by breaking up with her. Maybe he even subconciously morphed into the "father" or "brother" role. I'd say he's got unclear feelings for her.

    So he ends up in the position where he's with someone he doesn't want to be with for mixed reasons, and he doesn't know how to get out of it without completely destroying their worlds.

    Breaking up this kind of relationship isn't easy. It sounds like all they've known for a long time is life with each other.


    Regarding her, I don't know if I'd quite say she's the kind that goes for abusive guys since you said they've been together for a long time and he once did treat her great. However, she'll probably become that kind if she gets out of this relationship and doesn't get together with a guy that treats her better.


    Rather than try to convince her to break up with him, maybe it would be wise for her to really try to understand *why* he treats her like this instead of just complaining about the surface value. Maybe she knows he's done, but she's clinging to something that will never be there. If that's the case, of course she'll always be miserable.
    Sometimes people need things like this shown to them, even when they know it already in the back of their head.

    Or, like the abused truck, maybe he really does neglect until attention is required. Or, maybe he wants out but can't find an out, and it would be good for her to create opening for him and see if he uses them. Maybe she can scare him into an ultimatum by starting to talk about marriage or something huge like that...



    I once had a girlfriend I couldn't stand by the time we broke up permanently. I think I broke up with her more than once, too. But several points of the relationship, I couldn't stand her, but I knew I couldn't escape her then, so I just kept the relationship going. I knew if I broke up with her it would crush her, so I didn't see an out. My behavior was probably about the same as his, except I never really got angry about anything. In retrospect, it would have been great to have a friend I could have talked to about it, since I knew no matter what happened I'd look like a prince arsehole to everyone. To this day my friggin mom says I just broke up with her because I got a drivers license and didn't need her to drive me around any more.

    In any event, if you care about them both and you're going to try to nudge them, start with him, and finding out exactly what his perspective is. Telling her what to do is going to ruin your friendship with him, and eventually may ruin it with her, too.


    I'd also highly recommend you do NOT tell her to break up with him. Tell her to stop feeling for a little while and start thinking. Let her figure out if their relationship is really making any sense.
    Being the guy who instigates a breakup is never good, no matter how good it may seem at first. I know being the guy in the middle of a situation like this is also never easy, though.


    Ahh what do I know, I'm married with 2.5 kids...
     
  17. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    Thats what shes doing as of now, I think anyway. Thanks, you were actually the first one to say what I had originally thought, I want to talk to him about his treatment of her. I'll try and spend some time with them beforehand so its not like I'm just bringing up out of the blue.
     
  18. Seventy4Blazer

    Seventy4Blazer 3/4 ton status

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    steal her form him.

    warn him first though. if he doesnt start treating her better you will do it.

    i have done it a couple times... but im "That GUY" andit dont bother me one bit.

    he should have treated her better.

    maybe this is why i dont have many guy friends....
    grant
     

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