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True Stories from the Files of Deputy Bubba

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Bubba Ray Boudreaux, Aug 4, 2005.

  1. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    Y'all know, sometimes the truth is way stranger than fiction. Sometimes in this job, we encounter situations that just leave us shaking our head and having a good laugh for probably the next twenty years. Tonight's excerpt from my shift is no exception so.........................................................................

    *DISCLAIMER* The following story is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty and no, I did not get tape this time for reasons which will become painfully obvious quite shortly. So without further ado, some of the old timers will remember that all stories (well the ones I can remember to do it) from my files always starts the same way so hang on.........................

    So there I was............................................

    I had left the office early since shift briefing had ended. Now for those that don't know, our shift briefings usually consist of exchanging information on who our current dumb**** of the day/week/year is and today was no different, except we were visited by one of our local troopers. After the regular cracks on each other, an insightful debate on which was tougher, Army Basic Training and Marine Boot Camp or Trooper School; and several threats of applying a Taser to our brother from the state patrol, we were on our way into the murky chaos that fills the lives of cops.

    Since I began this job, I have become a vampire; so my shifts usually consist of going to the office, doing what I got to do, then home for dinner and by that time; the darkness has descended on the land and I may unleash my little brand of chaos that I know how to do.

    I decided that since I had time to kill before chow, I would take a spin out by the lake and maybe for once this summer, I would actually catch someone down there. As I drove for the lake, those senses that come alive in cops was telling me that my chances of seeing someone at the campground was good; so when I got there, I decided to take that spin around the campground.

    Now I don't know about y'all, but most cops who love the job will get these feelings about things and instead of turning around and going the other way like normal people, we keep heading into the great unknown, red lights going off in our heads. It's either because we feast on the thrill of the stupidity, chaos and humor that we find on our job; or because we are too ****ing stupid to know better.

    I take the turnoff into the campground and I'm making my rounds through, I spot a car. Now not any car mind you, but the type of car usually reserved for those people that attract cops to them, not to mention that the driver didn't realize that the camping spots had these outcroppings of pavement for a reason so he parked it in the grass.

    Well okay, I can live with that. As I'm slowly rolling towards the car, I spot the two unsuspecting folks sitting at the picnic table. Well by this time, not only are the red lights going off, but those little voices in my head are telling me that I should really stop and introduce myself. As my highly tuned skills of observation is taking in the sight, I immediately notice that these two folks are as naked as the day they came into this world. By this time, my free arm was inching towards the video camera control and once my brain processed the sight of the two people nekkid, that arm began moving towards that control box faster.

    All of sudden, the arm stopped. The brain had quickly processed the appearance of these two individuals as persons who had easily passed the half century mark on this planet. The brain quickly directed the arm to stay away from the camera box, and the arm gladly complied. It was the next bit of information that was processed that would make most normal people run for their lives.

    Bubba's brain: "Umm, Bubba, these people are sitting that damn close for a very good reason. Now answer me this riddle Bubba, why would her legs be straddling his legs and their crotches be in such close proximity."

    Bubba, that's me: "Ummm..................HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, JESUS, THE HOLY GHOST AND JIMMY SWAGGERT!!!!!!!!!!!! They're..................ARRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    With that, I stop the car on the other side of the suspect's car and call in to dispatch. Of course, I had to regain my composure for a few moments realizing what I just stepped in. After peering out of the side of my highly fashionable deputy dawg sunglasses, I slipped out of the car.

    "Are y'all decent yet?" I ask.

    "Yes sir, we are." came the reply back from the male subject, who we will refer to as Viagra Vick; who as of this writing is 64 years of age.

    Of course I had gotten a good enough glance at the female, who'll we will refer to as Lush Lucy, a 59 year old female, from here on out, to realize that there will be no further glances at her.

    I contact both parties and ask them just what they were up to. Now for those folks that don't know me, I've been around the block here and there and I pride myself on my ability to stay professional through all kinds of situations, no matter how stupid or funny they may be. I'm also starting to feel sorry for my partner, who's been on the job a little bit longer than I have. He was off in another part of the county talking to a possible rape victim and after his short time with us, I have learned that he pulls no punches and if he had been there, that professional bearing of mine would have been lost like the Titantic.

    I'm chatting with Viagra Vic and I'm noticing that Lush Lucy, even though has her dress pulled on, there's a strap that didn't quite make it on the shoulder. Furthermore, I'm noticing that she is displaying approximately 100% of all the indicators of being intoxicated. While chatting with Vic, I'm processing the items that were on the picnic table. Two cans of Busch beer, one black bag that appeared to be made for a camera, specifically a camera about the size of a Polaroid, and under and scattered around that same bag were approximately 15 Polaroid pictures....................................

    OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I was able to glance at the pictures close enough to identify them as possible contributions to VoyeurWeb.com; but not close enough to be mentally scared for the rest of my life. Lucky me, I've already got enough scares from the initial visual observations to scar Ron Jeremy for the rest of his life, I didn't need anymore.

    Finally Viagra Vic stated that they were involved in an "act of nature" and I was kind enough to point out that they were in plain sight of the road that runs across the damn. I wasn't nice enough to inform him though that the road was far enough way that passers-by wouldn't be scarred by their antics.

    I finally decided that Vic, while he had been drinking, didn't qualify for a public intox charge, nor was he in a state that would endanger the motoring public if he were to load his girlfriend and items and departed the immediate area. As they drove off, I ended up stopping them as two beers cans had been underneath his car. Being that they were a different brand, I concluded that they did not belong to him, but he was kind enough to get out of the car and pick them up. Not only did he do that, but he performed a police call around the immediate area and left the place cleaner (well, I didn't check the picnic table and I wasn't about to) than they had found out.

    I finally departed the area with a story that will probably go down in the files of my department as not only the funniest, but grossest incidents ever.

    :D :D :D
     
  2. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    Were their wrinkles flapping in the breeze?
     
  3. Cricket

    Cricket 3/4 ton status

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    At least they didn't ask you to join in a 3 way. :D
     
  4. camiswelding

    camiswelding 1/2 ton status

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    save your stories for posterity bubba.... write them down... keep them... maybe youll be the next Wambaugh... my stories are starting to bland..opps blend into one fuzzy memory.. occasionally jogged by some of yours...


    Being a poleeceman is like being a boxer.... you have to practice everyday...

    most times I dont give crooks a second glance anymore unless they're in my personal space... and occasionally.. rarely mind you.. but occasionally I find my gun hand holding something other than a gun... complacency and age creeping in... of course I only do this when Im alone in the woods :haha:

    Shame on you for spoling a positive direction...I mean erection ...I mean.. aw hell that guy will probably never get it again... thats cruel and unusual


    cam
     
  5. ntsqd

    ntsqd 1/2 ton status

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    I second cam's suggestion. Compile these stories and put them in a book under your nom de plume. I think it would sell very well.
     
  6. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

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    Thank you for sharing those memories with us. :D :D :D :D :D
     
  7. Stickseler

    Stickseler 3/4 ton status

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    Dude you crack me up :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     

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