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Trying to help a friend, but this is new for me....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ChevyCaGal, Oct 21, 2002.

  1. ChevyCaGal

    ChevyCaGal 3/4 ton status

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    I need some help here and not sure how to go about it.... bear with me.... I was over at my friends house this evening. She recently got married about 4 months ago. The guy, I thought he was nice, and well he is nice to me but some stuff about him has come to light. Now this is her second marriage and she has 3 kids of her own living there with them. He also has a daughter of his own. She herself is not comfortable with this new leaf he has turned and is freaking out because of the kids not to mention herself.... anyhow here's the deal. He is into some stuff... like swinging, 3some's and all kinds of other weird stuff I won't even begin to mention she told me about. She is not into any of this in the least and was clueless until he just told her. He has other little dirty secrets too coming to light. Basically stuff if she had known 4 months ago she'd never married him. She caught him online one night when he thought she was asleep talking to some woman about a group thing. He swears he wasn't but she saw what she saw. He's now trying to play it off but he's not doing too well. I searched for her the internet history and did some things and he's been heavy into surfing porn and chat sites. She's kinda freaked to confront him because heres another thing... turns out his ex-wife had a restraining order against him for domestic violence she found out about yesterday when his sister came up for a visit. She's more then pissed I guess his family knew all this and never mentioned it to her while they were dating hoping she'd be like some savior to him to get him clean. She's like I am not going to try to save someone into this stuff like he now is admitting he is with the kids in the house. When she told him she wasn't sure she could stay married to someone into that stuff he said you'll never get away from me or escape me and if I can't have you nobody will. So basically it's a mess and she's freaked.... anyhow does anyone know of where I can get some software that records online activities? Like sites visited and stuff in case he gets wise and deletes the history. I'd also like a site that takes screen shots or something in case he wanders into a chat. I told her when he goes to school I'll come over and install the stuff so she can see exactly what the deal is. Anyhow I'm lost here how to help her.... her mom just died in April and she has almost nobody else to turn too so I'm trying to help her. She just laid this on me tonight and I'm speechless to say the least. It's bad enough as it is he totally lied to her but now knowing he has a history of violence and the kids are there in house it could turn weird. Right now she just wants some proof she can print out or save if she ever needs to show it for court because from what I gather she doesn't intend on staying married to him if he's gonna be persuing these things.... thanks....
     
  2. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    wish i could help, all i can think of is to get divorced, but that kinda sucks for her big time! i know of programs that take screen shots and you can then print or save them to cd. I don't know if the'll be useable in court though.
     
  3. ntaj*ep

    ntaj*ep 1/2 ton status

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    Do that remote help thing on her computer and link it to yours. You will see all that is done if I'm not mistaken on yours.
     
  4. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Tell her to get the hell away from him. She might be able to have the marrage anolled, if not devorce. Those are some serious concerns. Restraining orders are somewhat of a joke, but might be in order in this case. Wish I could be more helpfull, but I really don't know what to say. The guy should have told her what he was into befor they got married, sounds to me like he knew she wouldn't go for it. IF and thats a big IF, he can leave that old life style behind, he might be okay. If nothing else, I would recomend some marrage counciling. Perverted chating on the net is one thing, doing it in person is another.
     
  5. ChevyCaGal

    ChevyCaGal 3/4 ton status

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    She's planning on getting away from him but she can't just pick up and run out. It gets sticky because the first guy she married years ago is a huge jerk and has been making her life heck. Well if he got wind of this he can file for the kids. He doesn't want them, he can hardly stand em for more then going out to pizza, but he'd get them to spite her. Anyhow reason she needs proof of all his online activities is for when she files anything she has some proof mostly for saying this was all him and not her because of financial reasons. I guess he hasn't been going to work and lying about that! Man it gets better everytime we speak. She didn't pick up on the work thing because he was borrowing money from his brother and she assumed that cash was from work. He would go to school then instead of work hang out at a buddies. Anyhow she is scared he will try to get half of the stuff and he hasn't paid for jack. She pays for everything and works. It was like the day after they got married he pulled a 180 on her and she has been hoping she was wrong but now 4 months into it she knows she is not and he's showing more and more of his true colors. I'm not even telling half of what she told me because it's kinda just freaky. I feel so bad for her... like I said I just wanna help her... so how would I do the remote thing on my computer? I wanna try it.... thanks....
     
  6. uglychevyZZ4

    uglychevyZZ4 3/4 ton status

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    What town is she in? My mom, remember, the Honda one /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif she would help in any way she could, she is in Highland and is meaner than a pitbull /forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif if she needs someone to talk to or whatever? and Id agree with Zp30, get the hell outta there. She should just cancel the ISP /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gifand if the pc has xp, she can just do a recovery and itll all show up.
     
  7. ChevyHuny

    ChevyHuny 1/2 ton status

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    I applaud her for not denying what her husband is doing and thinking ahead for when she leaves. Most people would not want to believe something like that is happening. Especially just after getting married. I think the decision to get proof so that she can use it against him is a strong and intelligent thing for her to do. If I were her I wouldn't want my children around a man like that.

    There are many programs out there. Here is a search on a few of them. I will check around and see if I can find something that is free. I know a few of those on the list are downloadable. So there would be nothing comming to the door.

    http://search.msn.com/results.asp?RS=CHECKED&FORM=MSNH&v=1&q=internet+spy

    Hope that helps.
     
  8. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Steph-

    The guy sounds like a piece of work. I suggest your friend get out while she can. That said, I have a few comments:

    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    She's like I am not going to try to save someone into this stuff like he now is admitting he is with the kids in the house

    [/ QUOTE ]
    What an adult does in the privacy of his home when the kids are in bed is up to him/her. Just because kids live there doesn't mean an adult can't indulge in adult things. Of course, sneaking around behind his wife's back like that gives her the right to kick his ass out of there.

    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    He is into some stuff... like swinging, 3some's and all kinds of other weird stuff I won't even begin to mention she told me about. She is not into any of this in the least and was clueless until he just told her.

    [/ QUOTE ]
    Different strokes for different folks. I myself find swinging repulsive, but I'm sure there's lots of people out there who enjoy it. I've also read that a healthy marriage includes sharing your fantasies with your spouse....

    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    turns out his ex-wife had a restraining order against him for domestic violence she found out about yesterday when his sister came up for a visit.

    [/ QUOTE ]
    What kind of relationship did this dude and his ex have? Was she a psycho too? I have a problem with people who judge somebody by their last relationship without knowing all the details. Besides, what happened in his previous realtionships is none of her business, IMHO.

    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    So basically it's a mess and she's freaked.... anyhow does anyone know of where I can get some software that records online activities? Like sites visited and stuff in case he gets wise and deletes the history. I'd also like a site that takes screen shots or something in case he wanders into a chat. I told her when he goes to school I'll come over and install the stuff so she can see exactly what the deal is.

    [/ QUOTE ]
    Steph, I ask you as a friend to follow my advice and stay out of it. I know it's hard to sit back and watch your girlfriend go through hard times, but by getting involved you are putting yourself at risk if this guy is as unbalanced as he sounds. Trust me when I tell you that getting in the middle of a domestic dipute is no fun- I've been there and it cost me a friend and an awful lot of hurt.

    I hope I don't come across as a smart ass, but I honestly think you need to take a step back and help out from the sidelines.
     
  9. EDdaTREE

    EDdaTREE 1/2 ton status

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    Steph, do a search on revenge.com and similar, they have what she needs. It makes me mad as a guy to hear about somebody of my gender acting this way. If I was less than 2,000 miles away and had vacation time left...I'd be there stomping his head. Keep us up on what's going on. I imagine 5 or 10 K5's rolling over this clown's car might get his attention?
     
  10. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    Do a search for Keylogging software also, but be careful with that, a lot of viruses use keyloggers. Don't accidentally grab a virus with a keylogger component thinking it's a keylogger... If he's doing a lot of chat, keylogging may be a good way to get a text log of his side of the conversations.

    What operating system is the computer using? It may be a little complicated, but if you have 2 computers, you may be able to use remote control software called VNC set up a certain way to observe his sessions (no recording, just observing, really).

    The better monitoring software that can actually take screenshots and record video is a little pricey, but if you're willing to pay for it, it may be worth it. Be wary of the demo versions, some of them make monitoring announcements so you can't actually use them (one that I like used to pop up a message on every reboot "Your computer is being monitored. For just 19.95, you can make this message stop appearing every time you boot your computer")...
     
  11. landsmasher

    landsmasher 1/2 ton status

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    The "If I can't have you, nobody can" is a threat and she should pack up the computer, the kids and a few belongings and get the hell out of there as fast as she can. Nothing is more important than her and her childrens lives. If she doesn't do that, she's just asking for whatever she gets.

    The computer can be used as evidence for divorce and a restraining order.

    Nuff Said
     
  12. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    I believe in the state of California, if you are married less than six months, the marriage can be annuled under the right circumstances (I think she has that nailed). Definately needs a lawyer-NOW! Get out now, it will not get any better. Sorry I can't help more, but I do know some "people" that may be of assistance (I used to live in Cali). That would be if all other avenue's fail.

    John
     
  13. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    but I do know some "people" that may be of assistance (I used to live in Cali). That would be if all other avenue's fail.

    [/ QUOTE ] I got friends like that too. Kinda nice to be able to get things done if apsolutly nessisarry !!!! My friends are part of ol' #81 if ya know what I'm talking about/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif.
     
  14. 87Blazerlady

    87Blazerlady 1/2 ton status

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    ChevyGal-----You sound like a very compassionate person.......but that can get you in trouble. I agree with a couple folks in here...She should be able to get the marriage annulled especially with the threat. Don't get me wrong. Be there for you friend and lend an ear, but just point her in the right direction. I don't know if this will help but found this in search: http://www.law.com FREE ADVICE.....I agree that getting involved by doing things will threaten your safety. There are professionals that can do the spy work. Don't risk losing your friend. but be there for her. /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
     
  15. NoAngel

    NoAngel 1/2 ton status

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    I agree. Be a friend, but try not to get in too deep. It will sap your emotional energy and leave you feeling helpless if you get too wrapped up. Definitely insist she get some outside help as well. It will take some of the stress off of you. There's only so much you can do. You are truly a good friend for helping. Good luck and keep us posted.
     
  16. ChevyCaGal

    ChevyCaGal 3/4 ton status

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    Thanks for all the help and advice gang. I am in deep. But I already was. She's like my older sister. I met her at church 10 years ago and babysat for her son and daughter for like 3 years. After that I became a 10 hour a day nanny for the family when she had her 3rd child for 4 years. The last 3 years we've just been awesome friends. Taking family trips together and doing everything together. Her kids are like mine I swear sometimes. So I am in this deep just because of how good friends we are... anyhow she hired a lawyer and spoke to him. I guess they signed a prenuptial agreement so he'll get jack when he gets the boot. The marriage is going to be annulled. So next month when all the paperwork is set and she has a place to set up to go too it'll be presented to him. She wants to wait out of you can't just pick up 3 kids and leave like that. Especially with how he is she has to have aplace where he knows if tries crap he'll get thrown in jail. It takes some planning. My mom went out with her last night and spoke with her while I watched the kids. It's like a big soap opera. There's lots more about him I won't even state here but trust me he's a real jerk and a real good liar not to mention pretty sick. Too bad he's not real bright on covering his tracks. Sucks she had to find out later then sooner.... but better now then a year from now when they were planning on buying a house! Anyhow thanks for the help and advice...
     
  17. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    Good Deal!!! /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif

    John
     
  18. 77blazin

    77blazin 1 of a kine K5

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    Steph...
    By the way?
    How is your friend doing with her kids?
    Michael /forums/images/graemlins/ears.gif /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gif
     
  19. ChevyCaGal

    ChevyCaGal 3/4 ton status

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    I dunno... this is weird. I found out he was doing all this online crap for sure. But as for him saying stuff to her.... I was there every night this past week helping set up for a party, he was so nice to me. She and him were getting along fine. I even over heard him with the 8 year old getting ready helping him get dressed and he was patient and helped with his makeup (we had a party Friday night). I am lost and confused! I think there is for sure 2 sides to the story here and which side is true is beyond me. I've stepped back and offered to help her but how I'm lost! /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
     
  20. gotmud?

    gotmud? 1/2 ton status

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    Yea well, Ted Bundy was a "nice Guy" too.
     

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