Dismiss Notice

Welcome To CK5!

Registering is free and easy! Hope to see you on the forums soon.

Score a FREE t-shirt and membership sticker when you sign up for a Premium Membership and choose the recurring plan.

Useful Tools...

Discussion in 'The Tool Shed' started by 90blzr, Mar 10, 2006.

  1. 90blzr

    90blzr 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2001
    Posts:
    3,027
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SO CAL
    Not sure if this is a repost, but ran across it and got a good laugh:


    TOOL DEFINITIONS

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford/Chevy, and neatly rounds off their heads.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

    EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
     
  2. rdn2blazer

    rdn2blazer 1 ton status Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2004
    Posts:
    16,496
    Likes Received:
    1,206
    Location:
    So Cal.
    thats damn funny s**t :haha: :haha: :haha: I have experienced every single one of those more then once.
     
  3. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2000
    Posts:
    38,584
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Hahahaha I haven't seen that one in awhile
     
  4. bigjbear

    bigjbear 1 ton status Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2000
    Posts:
    13,973
    Likes Received:
    454
    Location:
    Marietta GA
    oldie but goodie
     
  5. MTBLAZER89

    MTBLAZER89 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2001
    Posts:
    7,272
    Likes Received:
    237
    Location:
    Oak Harbor, WA
    Can't forget the

    Flashlight A metal or plastic tube used to store dead and or corroded batteries.
     
  6. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2002
    Posts:
    8,591
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Anaheim, Ca
    hahah thanks, new to me!
     
  7. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2004
    Posts:
    3,180
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    KC Missouri
    Very good. I likey:D
     

Share This Page