Dismiss Notice

Welcome To CK5!

Registering is free and easy! Hope to see you on the forums soon.

Score a FREE t-shirt and membership sticker when you sign up for a Premium Membership and choose the recurring plan.

When and how to disipline a child that is not your own? Seriously

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by SCOOBYDANNN, Dec 30, 2006.

  1. SCOOBYDANNN

    SCOOBYDANNN 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2001
    Posts:
    2,129
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    El Paso, TEXAS
    So I have been dating this girl for going on three months. She is awesome. LIkes to kick back a few, likes to kick back and relax, likes the outdoors and knows and understands my "my garage time":D .(I know this is a short time but work with me.)

    Here is the catch--she has a kid--age 4--boy.

    He has always been a mommy's boy. Dad rarley paid attention and now that everything is being finalized dad is showering his son in gifts in order to "make up" for what he (dad) dosn't have.

    Now he is generally a good kid, but when he is with mom and wants something and she says no he either dosn't listen or throws a tantrum. Now I understand all kids will do this but I feel the situation is amplified by dad giving him whatever he wants.

    Now mom dosn't want to just "win" her son over by showering him with gifts but would rather just be a mother in the typical mother ways.

    When me and his mom are togather with him we are very (should I say "aware") he is there. we are not clingly but we do show affection. I would say just enough to show that I do care for his mom, but not to the point where he runs to dad and says mommy has a new boyfriend or they were doing weird stuff in the kitchen.:eek1:

    How and when (or even if i should) should I disipline him. When I do now it is more "listen to you mom" than anything and he seems to respond, not 100%, but he does.
     
  2. Confedneck79K30

    Confedneck79K30 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2006
    Posts:
    5,384
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LA
    maybe just pull him aside and talk to him, i know he's only 4, but he might just understand what you have to say, think it out and tell him that he's gonna get a lot farther if he behaves and treats his mother better, am i wrong here? just a thought, take it and use it, or ignore it, its your choice, but i'd try it..
     
  3. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2004
    Posts:
    14,681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    High velocity, Low altitude
    You would be surprised at what a 4 year old can understand. Talking is always a good idea as long as his mom is on board. I would steer way clear of any physical correction - even a pop on the rear. Let his mom handle that. Make sure that she is on board with whatever you do in advance.
     
  4. Confedneck79K30

    Confedneck79K30 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2006
    Posts:
    5,384
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LA
    thats what im thinkin, maybe a simple talk will help, talk to him as an adult though, right?
     
  5. SCOOBYDANNN

    SCOOBYDANNN 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2001
    Posts:
    2,129
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    El Paso, TEXAS
    I agree. although I would do this to my own child, I believe I have NO right to do this to any other, even if she allowed it. I just wouldn't feel right.
     
  6. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2004
    Posts:
    14,681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    High velocity, Low altitude
    Oh, I do it to mine all of the time. There is a direct nerve between their butt and brain. Its like a reset switch. But with everyone looking for a reason to be angry/indignant/file suits..... I would stick with talking calmly and letting mom handle it for now.
     
  7. Corey 78K5

    Corey 78K5 1 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2000
    Posts:
    13,055
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Humboldt County, CA
    Agreed 100%...... My step father raised me from the time I was 5 and not once did he ever lay a hand on me or my siblings. He would pull me and my brother apart when we had fist fights and yell at us but that only happened a few times.
    Bottom line I learned to respect his authority. He talked to me and showed me right from wrong. One of the biggest things that influenced me was the fact that we spent a lot of time together growing up. On weekends we went places or we would be out in the shop working on stuff. He could have said fock it and ignored me since I was not his real son but that never happened. So when ever I mention my dad in a post I refer to the man that I just spoke of not the one who never took the time to earn my respect........
     
  8. CDA 455

    CDA 455 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2006
    Posts:
    8,598
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    43rd State
    BEEN-THERE-DONE-THAT!

    Bottom line: YOU DON'T.

    1) You two aren't married.
    2) Even if you are, you're still FUBAR.
    3) No matter what you do, she'll side with him, before you.
    4) The less you do, the better (disipline-wise).
    5) Unless you're SERIOUS about her; I say enjoy the company but move on eventually.
    6) Life is too short for hi-maintenance relationships IMHO.

    Good luck and may the force be with you :wink1: !
     
  9. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Posts:
    4,437
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas Baby!!!!
    You MUST take a stand of some kind. Trust me. If you let the mom handle it all now, in 15 years, when the kid is totally out of control, you will kick yourself for not taking a stand because it will be too late to step in and try to start taking care of things the right way.
     
  10. BulldogK5

    BulldogK5 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2002
    Posts:
    4,158
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brandon, MS
    DO NOT lay a hand on him unless it is for support. A close friend of mine went through this with two boys who are now his step-sons. He has been married to their mom for three years now and the only discipline he gives them is a strong talking to and/or some type of punishment such as no game boy or something. The talking does work, one of them was five when they started dating. Now he has pretty much gained the respect he needs as an authority figure in the household (esp. since the birth of their half sister 2 years ago) that he doesn't need to discipline too much. The only time I know of is setting boundaries for tools in the garage and how far to push their mom. If you are serious about her then the respect will come with time, sooner than you think.

    :bow: I really like this analogy. So true, it usually worked on me until I was older. I will not be afraid to do this with my kids either.
     
  11. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2003
    Posts:
    3,859
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    With My Tinfoil Hat
    it's not the kids fault he's getting spoiled.. mom ought to lay the law down with the ex, and tell him to not give the kid everything he wants.. of course, dad probably won't listen, so moms only out is to be firm, but unemotional when the kid whines or throws a tantrum.. the key is to not let the child inflict his will on you..

    moms job is to train the child, not enable a tantrum thrower who will be a bigger pain in the ass when he gets older. mom needs to get a grip and be the adult, and realize that if the child hates her for a short time for not giving in, it doesn't matter.

    this is what sucks about a divorce and leaving kids behind.. you get the parents competing for the love of the kids by escalating the bribing..

    As for you scooby, you don't own this problem yet, so just let the kid do what he does while he's doing it, unless you are directly asked for your input.. you are still an outsider yet.. if you really like this girl, talk about these issues when the kid isn't in the room, and work together, but let her lead the way..

    Tom
     
  12. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

    Joined:
    May 8, 2001
    Posts:
    16,555
    Likes Received:
    157
    Location:
    Los Estados Unitos


    I agree... Cross that bridge when you're required to.
    I have a 13 year old stepdaughter now, but when she was 3/4 or whatever and I was just dating her mom, I took no part in discipline, wasn't my place at all. I tried to teach her stuff and educate her (of course non-controversial stuff like "spell cat"), but discipline was her mom's job.
    It sort of still is, there are times when I step away and let my wife deal with her, but she's been sent to her room or the stairs (sitting on the stairs for 5 minutes sucks) by me over the years.

    She also used to tell stories to her dad, so I was always very careful not to do anything that could become legal trouble. Like I wouldn't spank her because I didn't want her to go home and say I touched her butt. There were times when I would grab her and practically throw her in the car, though. She's very rebellious...she has LOTS of moments where she just decides she will not do what you ask no matter what. Now that she's entereing teenage years, it's getting worse; I think over the past 3 days she's not-listened to me at least 5 times and been punished. Usually it's over something really stupid, but she doesn't do what she's told and ends up punished instead of doing something ultra-simple (like pick up the towel she dropped or something) or answering me.
     
  13. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

    Joined:
    May 8, 2001
    Posts:
    16,555
    Likes Received:
    157
    Location:
    Los Estados Unitos
    By the way, I disagree that talking to the kid will be very effective. I agree that you should try it and be very firm, but I've gone through a couple 4 year olds, between my own and nieces/nephews, and a firm talking-to lasts like 5 minutes before they need a reminder, if it has any effet at all. And even then it's a crapshoot. 4 year olds have the attention span of a butterfly.

    It's also good to remember they don't perceive reality the way we do. To them, spiderman is a real person and barney is a real singing dinosaur. Distinctions are in the very beginning stages of being drawn in their minds.
     
  14. Metrodps

    Metrodps Strange but nice guy Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2006
    Posts:
    9,726
    Likes Received:
    108
    Location:
    earth
    x2.
     
  15. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2000
    Posts:
    15,552
    Likes Received:
    136
    Location:
    Cochrane, Alberta, Canada
    All of this advice SOUNDS great, but how the heck are you supposed to effectively raise a child with one arm tied behind your back???? I mean, kids are damn smart, and that little gaffer is gonna figure out real quick that you are gun shy when it comes to disciplining him. And when he DOES figure it out, look out...............:deal:

    Since everyone is sharing a story, I'll share mine. My brother-in-law was in the EXACT same situation awhile back, except he was actually married to the woman. The little boy soon came to learn that he could get away with ANYTHING when he was with Lee, because Lee followed the line of thinking displayed in most of the threads above. By the time everyone realized that this was a problem, it was too late- I personally witnessed the lack of respect he had to endure and I was THIS close to reaching out and smacking the kid myself. The sad part is, this was one of the main factors that led to my BIL getting divorced from that girl.

    The bottom line for me? I love my kids, very, very much. Anyone who knows me will attest to that. But when push comes to shove, I am their father, not their friend. IMHO, the latest trend of being buddies with your kid is one of the main reasons the latest generation of teens have a lack of respect for adults. Whether anyone likes it or not, I am the dominant person in my relationship with my children, and that's the way nature intended it.

    I have probably spanked my kids 10 times in their lives, and I don't have to anymore. All it takes now is a quick bark and what I refer to as "the look", and no, I'm not referring to a Roxette song. When they see "the look", whatever is going on stops. Unfortunately, "the look" only works because my kids know I'm serious, and how do they know I"m serious? Because I had to prove it a few times before they actually started believing me.

    Some of you are gonna disagree with me on this, I realize that. If you want to argue with me, take it PMs. Let's not wreck this thread for Scoobydann, okay?
     
  16. Confedneck79K30

    Confedneck79K30 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2006
    Posts:
    5,384
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LA
    "canya smeeeellll what the cancan is cookinnn" lol

    good advice from paul as always, you can't be too buddy buddy with them....
     
  17. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2004
    Posts:
    14,681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    High velocity, Low altitude
    Only difference, as you pointed out, is that he is the new boyfriend, not the step father like your brother. He may step into that role in the future, but for now, IMO, he will run into a real problem with the father.
     
  18. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2001
    Posts:
    32,076
    Likes Received:
    55
    Location:
    .
    I agree totally. My kids know when to stop when they HEAR me. They are 3 and 5 and can tell by the TONE when I'm serious and not. That, along with "the look" are my tools I use to keep my kids on the right path.
     
  19. kgblazerfive

    kgblazerfive keymaster Premium Member GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2004
    Posts:
    10,618
    Likes Received:
    608
    Location:
    Hooper, Utah 84315
    I was, am in the same situation, dating my wife I took the role of supporting her in her discipline situations, once we got married I had the same role but she was also supporting me. We then had rules made together as a couple
    The child will never be yours unless you adopt her, let her grow to love and respect you it takes awhile. Remember if he loves you its because you have earned it, he loves him because he is his father.
    If the situation progresses to marriage never talk bad about the Dad or lack of the Dad.
    My daughter who is now 14 has nothing to do with her father now because of the things that he has done and said to her.
    I would imagine that boys are harder to win(?) over but as stated b4 don't worry about the things that the Father buys him, kids will see through it in the end. Do however stick to your guns as responsible parents. My daughter by age 6 new that "dad" was buying her stuff just to win her over and told us she liked our rules and living with us because there were rules and not unlimited freedom. Now as a teenager she may never admit to it but she did say it.:D
     
  20. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2000
    Posts:
    15,552
    Likes Received:
    136
    Location:
    Cochrane, Alberta, Canada
    You're right, Chad, but what happens if they don't get married for 5 years? Do you think the kid is gonna all of a sudden just accept the fact that Scooby is the new boss? Nope........

    He is now a father figure, and IMHO, that entitles him to at least a say in how this child is brought up. And with that comes the right to discipline as necessary, within reason.
     

Share This Page