You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have a rag for a gas cap. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?" You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. TOP 35 OXYMORONS State Worker Legally Drunk Exact Estimate Act Naturally Found Missing Resident Alien Genuine Imitation Airline Food Good Grief Government Organization Sanitary Landfill Alone Together Small Crowd Business Ethics Soft Rock Amtrak Schedule Military Intelligence Sweet Sorrow Compassionate Conservative "Now, then..." Passive Aggression Clearly Misunderstood Peace Force Extinct Life Plastic Glasses Terribly Pleased Computer Security Political Science Tight Slacks Definite Maybe Pretty Ugle Rap Music Working Vacation Religious Tolerance and the #1 oxymoron................ MICROSOFT WORKS Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".