All you 'gas guzzler' this!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by muddin4fun, Jun 27, 2002.

  1. muddin4fun

    muddin4fun 3/4 ton status

    Feb 19, 2001
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    N Texas
    All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    This is one of the most entertaining responses to enviro-wacko's i've read yet:

    Twenty-Three Skiddoo!
    by L. Neil Smith

    Exclusive to TLE

    Every now and then I hear some morally challenged parasite express a deep,
    churning, irrational hatred for an artifact that, in my part of the country
    at least, stands as a shining symbol of the Productive Class.

    The so-called "sport utility vehicle" is a splendid machine that, from the
    wheelwells down, is basically a medium-duty truck (often with a trailer
    hitch mounted on the back bumper and a winch up front) and from there up, a
    cross between a station wagon (at one time a shining Productive Class
    symbol in its own right) and a luxury hotel room, complete with air
    conditioning, adjustable heated seats, AM-FM radio, a CD changer holding
    anywhere from ten to a hundred disks, and, with increasing frequency, a
    VCR-DVD TV in back for the "Are we there yet?" generation.

    Some SUVs have sun roofs, moon roofs, collapsible awnings, tent annexes,
    folding lawn furniture, luggage racks, objects that look a lot like photon
    torpedos on the luggage rack, running boards, wet bars, hands-free
    telephones, answering machines, faxes, refrigerators, microwaves, onboard
    computers, pink flamingos, and satellite dishes. At the moment, jetted hot
    tubs are still pretty much limited to custom limousines.

    The first criticism you'll hear collectivist scumbags make about these
    wonderful machines is that they consume too much fuel. Actually, what
    you'll hear is that they're "gas guzzlers", meaning absolutely nothing
    except that what socialists lack in originality, they make up in mutual
    plagiarism. The last time anyone left of Hubert Humphrey had a new idea was
    somewhere back around the year that Mary Shelly wrote Frankenstein.

    Speaking of fossil fuel, however, it's time we got a few points straight,
    right now and forever. First, once I've paid for the stuff, it's mine, and
    nobody's frigging business how much I use or how I use it. What else is it
    for, anyway? It doesn't do anybody a bit of good when it stays in the
    ground. Once it's been extracted and refined, you can't drink it or bathe
    in it, and it makes extremely poor suntan lotion.

    Ambulances and fire engines and Meals on Wheels can only use so much of the
    stuff, so that means there's plenty left over for those less altruistically
    commendable (but vastly more enjoyable) pursuits like tractor pulls,
    demolition derbies, snowmobile rallies, running all- terrain vehicles over
    the tundra (come to think of it, what else is tundra for?), doing doughnuts
    on the ice or in the mud, stock car races, popping out for a carton of
    cigarettes, or taking the kids to gunshops.

    Another point is that you get what you pay for -- admittedly an entirely
    new concept to those accustomed mostly to getting what other people are
    forced to pay for. An SUV may use a lot of gas, but it takes you where you
    want to go in maximum comfort, convenience, and safety. On the other hand,
    the underpowered tin-plastic boxes the left wants us to drive have exactly
    the same chance of surviving collisions as the proverbial snowball in hell.
    What's more, the position you're forced to assume to ride in these
    kiddycars, pretty much guarantees that if you happen to run into something,
    or it runs into you, you're gonna wind up with both hips dislocated and
    your pelvis shoved up your nose.

    They whine that petroleum is irreplaceable, a finite resource -- "resource"
    being a word they use when they're making off with somebody else's
    property. If you ask me, the sooner we use it up, the sooner we can get on
    to other things. I rather fancy the idea of a nuclear SUV, myself.

    They don't really need to worry, in any case. Silverfoot Junior is busy
    right now, acquiring more "resources" for them in central Asia. That's what
    his "War on Terror" is all about. That's all it's about, war on the terror
    he and his buddies feel when they wake in the middle of the night, hearts
    pounding, limbs shaking, leaking sweat from every pore, for fear of losing
    all their ill-gotten wealth and illegitimate power.

    But there I've gone and gotten serious again, haven't I?

    Sorry about that.

    Another thing they love to whimper about (the left-wing socialist
    bedwetters, not the right-wing variety like Our Little Fuehrer) is
    pollution. The more fuel it uses, it says here, the more pollution it
    creates. That sounds logical. The trouble is, today's vehicles are
    virtually pollution-free compared to those of the past. What they mostly
    generate is water and carbon dioxide -- good for plants and other living
    things. The only real pollutants modern vehicles create are carcinogens, a
    product of the catalytic converters and lead-free gas forced on Detroit by
    -- you guessed it -- left-wing socialist bedwetters.

    But forget all that. The truth is that these stunted creatures simply hate
    to see anybody enjoying any aspect of his life -- usually because they have
    no lives themselves, or what lives they do have are a misery and they want
    company. And too, they understand too well that an individual who enjoys
    his life is far more difficult to control, something they just can't abide.
    As the late Alan Sherman pointed out in his masterpiece, The Rape of the
    Ape, that's why religions made sex a no-no. Anybody who's getting laid
    regularly is impossible to control.

    The great philosopher Robert LeFevre used to talk about a 19th century
    commission put together to consider the "problem" presented by a new energy
    source, petroleum. No mere corporation, they decided in their august
    wisdom, could ever bear the cost of finding, extracting refining, and
    distributing the black, gooey stuff, so -- say it real fast, now, so nobody
    will notice -- it should be made a government monopoly.

    Luckily nobody paid attention to this gaggle of bungheads, but you can get
    a good idea what shape the oil business would be in right now if they had,
    simply by taking a look at another energy source that did, in effect,
    become a government monopoly: nuclear fission. The cheapest, cleanest,
    safest source of power in human history, if not the Known Universe, now
    lies in ruins because all of the decisions about it came to be political in
    character, rather than economic and private.

    But once again I have digressed. This essay was supposed to be about how
    weary I am hearing morons sneering at or whimpering over SUVs. The thing
    is, I know how to stop them cold. The problem is, it isn't a very
    libertarian solution. In fact, it isn't libertarian at all.

    So I'm going to make make the suggestion anyway, rely on you to spread it
    around, and on the conservatives to run with it. Afterward, whenever the
    idea gets attributed to me, I plan simply to quote the guild navigator in
    Dune and reply, "I didn't say this. I wasn't here".

    Any time you some envirocollectivist blathers about placing a special
    federal tax on your Grand Cherokee, Land Cruiser, Range Rover, Suburban,
    Trooper, Montero, Exploder, or Durango, inform him, her, or it that you're
    a member of a group that plans to lobby for a special 23% tax on that
    shining symbol of the tofu and Berkenstock class, the bicycle, and on
    everything even remotely associated with the damned contrivance.

    That means tire pumps, sprocket wrenches, bells, baskets, lights, obscene
    Lycra clothing, and most of all those helmets that look like bedpans.
    Somebody, after all, has to pay for all those of bike lanes and pathways
    cluttering up our cities nowadays, as well as for all the accidents and
    aggravation generated by pisswits who pretend that they're pedestrians when
    it suits them, and vehicle drivers when it doesn't.

    Twenty-three percent sounds good. That oughta shut 'em up.

    They'll be exempted if they buy an SUV.

    But remember, I didn't say this.

    I wasn't here.

    Three-time Prometheus Award-winner L. Neil Smith is the author of 23 books,
    including The American Zone, Forge of the Elders, Pallas, The Probability
    Broach, Hope (with Aaron Zelman), and his collection of articles and
    speeches, Lever Action, all of which may be purchased through his website "
    The Webley Page". Autographed copies may be had from the author at
  2. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

    Mar 30, 2002
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    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    I like that. That makes alot of sence to me!!!! /forums/images/icons/grin.gif
  3. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

    Jan 21, 2001
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    Undisclosed Location
    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

  4. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

    Nov 6, 2000
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    portland oregon
    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    thank you for posting that /forums/images/icons/grin.gif i like it /forums/images/icons/grin.gif
  5. highwaydevil

    highwaydevil 1/2 ton status

    Oct 6, 2000
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    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    I like it! How about figuring up how much pollution and gas is used/produced by airplanes that they insist on taking to and from conventions and rallys?
  6. trailblazer87

    trailblazer87 1/2 ton status

    Jun 11, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Madera, CA
    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    Don't forget the busses they charter in their moments of optimism, and end up hauling 3 people and a dog to someplace in the desert, but it is too hot when they get there so they have to sit with the bus idling until after sundown so that it cools, with the A/C on! RIDE THE SHORT BUS PEOPLE! YOU'LL FIT IN BETTER! TRY NOT TO DROOL ON YOURSELVES WHEN YOU SEE A FREAKIN' SPARROW!
    I am hereby proud to declare the return of the kangaroo rat, and how well it thrives in the Central CA farms, and the fact that one of our cats just ate one /forums/images/icons/grin.gif
  7. muddysub

    muddysub 1 ton status Staff Member Moderator GMOTM Winner

    Jun 23, 2001
    Likes Received:
    my garage, Henderson, NV
    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    i'm sure it's great but that's just too long. /forums/images/icons/frown.gif
  8. Grim-Reaper

    Grim-Reaper 3/4 ton status Author

    Feb 17, 2000
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    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    Hehe Makes me feel inspired to rip the next seira club sticker off I see on a honda and thebumper to witch it is attached with my tow hooks /forums/images/icons/grin.gif
    Oppsss didn't see your silly butt down there, I was sucking on my big sorry.....
  9. muddin4fun

    muddin4fun 3/4 ton status

    Feb 19, 2001
    Likes Received:
    N Texas
    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    So, why did you reply?

    Yes, it is great. Sorry you don't have the patience to read it /forums/images/icons/grin.gif
  10. BlazerGuy

    BlazerGuy 3/4 ton status

    Apr 20, 2000
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    Re: All you \'gas guzzler\' this!

    yeah reading really taxes the body and could give you dry eyes! /forums/images/icons/shocked.gif /forums/images/icons/wink.gif /forums/images/icons/wink.gif /forums/images/icons/tongue.gif

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