I'm just curious...anyone here ever feel like they'ed be better off if they could just go to sleep and not wake up again??.. I have!..just about every day!..I'm sick of waking up feeling dead from the colds and bronchitis I've had over a month now..I hate living here uder my 77 year old mothers thumb,having to put up with her constant complaining about bills-( she gets 1000 a month in SSI--I could make that go a LOT farther than her--she squanders a lot on lottery tickets and handouts to relatives--then crabs at me about wasting electricity on the computer!--our electric bill was 80 bucks last month--and I've done NOTHING in my shop to use that kind of power!)..EVERYTHING is going up due to fuel prices!--I havent a clue how we'll heat the house this winter.. -I cant get a nights sleep thanks to her coughing from Emphasema all night (and all day too)...I'm too ill to go find a job,and its been so long since I had one I doubt I could work 8 hrs a day anyway..my doctor wont help me try for disability--and even if he did,it can take up to 2 years to get your case heard..I dont have 2 years of pay in the bank anymore..cant wait that long..welfare wont give me anything,since I have a place to live.. I'm not looking for a "free ride"!--I've always worked and supported myself until I quit my last "real" job 11 years ago--since then I've been self employed,mostly working out of my shop, or at friends legit bussinesses "under the table" so to speak--but I've lived well below the poverty level all my life..most of the work I did I didn't charge much for,or didn't get paid at all most of the time.. I helped one friend fix cars for 2 years while his 11 year old son was dying of leukmia,and he was struggling to stay afloat..I only took 20 bucks a day,even if I made him 100 or more--I felt really bad for him--his son died 2 years ago..I know I should have been working a real job--but I could work on "easy" stuff at my own pace--no boss cracking the whip all day..I always hated working in a retail store--its like a paid jail sentence 8 hours a day in my opinion--and my stomach was always an ulcer the whole time I did work in stores.. I think I was lucky if I made 5 grand over the last 11 years..good thing I lived with my parents,and they put up with me not paying room and board (though they resented it,they did appreciate my staying to help them rather than go live my own life-(at least my DAD did!)-like I did for 5 years,and wish now I KEPT doing,now that my mom has become a bitter angry tyrant..who expects everything--but does help me out,at a big price--the GUILT trip !!).. I should have kissed this place goodbye after my dad passed away..been HELL here since..I admit I had a good life the past 11 years--got to go places and see things I never would have if I stayed in a 9-5 job..I'm paying for it now though--but after seeing my dad fail so quickly and have to take early retirement,I vowed I'm going to have my fun early in life--while I still was able to physically..my dad was bedridden practically from the day he retired..not my cup of tea,work all your life,then wait to die,and have NO fun.. Even ading up all my "legit" jobs pay stubs listed on my social security printout they sent,I've only made less than 80 grand my whole life!--and since I havent paid into the SSI system for 11 years,I dont have enough "credits" to be eligible for disability..( I have scoliosis in my spine,among other physical limitations--not counting my recent bout with bronchitis thats got me feeling more dead than alive..)..but I can walk and talk,so as far as they care,I'm NOT eleigible for any assistance..I'd like to know how all the immigrant fakers who smoke and sell crack for a living get on SSI so easily and quickly?--or is that the best way?--become an addict,then everything will be handed to you??... I'm not posting this looking for sympathy or just to whine about it--I'd just like to know what some of you would do if you found yourself in your late 40's,single,unemployed,(and probbly unemployaBLE)--ineligible for any government assistance,and facing the death of the parent who you've helped care for,and gotten spiteful treatment in return for--who wont even tell you if your in the will or not!..(and probably I AM not--or at least wont be in it as much as the other siblings who did little or nothing for her all theese years)..all the while having dental and medical issues that need attention!.. Anyday now I face losing all I own when she passes--the computer will be gone,my garage,and probably my place to stay too!..I'll be living in my unregistered van(if I dont sell it for scrap first)..I know most of this is my own dam fault for letting this go out of control for so long..but time has a way of passing quickly--suddenly,like the Pink Floyd song says "ten years have got behind you--no one told you when to run--you missed the starting gun"...then you wake up and find yourself in such a mess,that NO way out seems possible...Now what??..any suggestions??.. I dont have the answers..: ( sorry for the long rant--but I figured MAYBE some of you have been in,or know someone in a similar situation,and might have some advice..