TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP: 1) You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night. 2) Sirens give you a headache. 3) You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time. 4) When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911. 5) When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night. 6) You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too dangerous. 7) At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the crowd thins out. 8) A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for littering. 9) You think frisking people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone of your own gender is politically incorrect. 10) You're a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a papercut. ================================================== You might be a cop if: You have the bladder capacity of five people; You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience; You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm; Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change; You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you; You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal; You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person; You find humor in other people's stupidity; You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac; You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see; You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance; You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest; You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce; You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here"; You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer"; You believe that chocolate is a food group; You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick; You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time;, You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict; You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably; You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar; You believe the dispatcher is possessed; You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form; You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables; You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick; You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions; You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone; You correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC; You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car; You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime ========================== Murpheys law of Police Work: If the guy you pull over for speeing says he was going so fast becaause he has diarrhea, and for one reason or another you have to put him in the patrol car, it will turn out he wasn't kidding The only car you let go with a warning ticket will be stopped ten minutes later and the driver arrested for transporting the largest quantity of illegal drug in your counties history. Your portable radio will only malfunction when you have accidentally set off your car horn, which remains stuck, as you follow the Hell's Angels down the freeway on your way to work The first bad-guy your trainee decides to tick off will have at least three black belts in three different martial arts. When a cop does something right, no one remembers; When a cop does something wrong, no one forgets. Anyone opting for a foot chase is always carrying at least 20 pounds less than you are. Anyone who doesn't notice an unmarked car is probably not doing anything illegal anyway. Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase. Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency. The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you, your wife comes by the station to visit. Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer. Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy. Bullet proof vests might be. =================== Attorney: Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you? Officer: Approximately one-half mile. Attorney: Can you see clearly for one-half mile? Officer: Yes. Attorney: Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident that is occurring one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see! Officer: Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.