Deep Observations On Life

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by wasted wages, Aug 22, 2006.

  1. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

    Dec 3, 2003
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    Dallas Texas

    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
    his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
    --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
    headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
    "Keep away from children."
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
    group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
    --Drew Carey

    4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
    desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
    it. At the end
    of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
    --Jeff Foxworthy

    5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
    infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
    considerin if there is a man on base."
    --Dave Barry

    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
    treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
    they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay
    the day
    before they leave you, and they should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger

    7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
    the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
    trying to teach you how to swim.'"
    --Paula Poundstone

    8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
    skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
    --Conan O'Brien

    9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
    my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
    --Lynda Montgomery

    10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch of
    people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
    but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni

    11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
    would be dead."
    --Johnny Carson

    12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez

    13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
    and that's the law."
    --Jerry Seinfeld

    14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
    you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
    tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
    --Warren Hutcherson

    15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
    --Oscar Wilde

    16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a member of
    Congress..... But I repeat myself."
    --Mark Twain

    17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
    least they can find Afghanistan."
    --A. Whitney Brown

    18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
    look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
    --Dave Barry

    19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
    --Unknown, presumed deceased

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