DO YOU?? A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her. ___________________________________ Subject: REAL WOMEN VS. MARTHA STEWART > REAL WOMEN VS. MARTHA STEWART > > Martha's way #1: > Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice > cream drips. > > Real Women's Way: > Just slurp the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. You are probably > eating it lying on the couch, with your feet up anyway. > > Martha's way #2: > To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. > > The Real Women's Way: > Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a > year. > > Martha's way #3: > When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry > cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the > cake. > > The Real Women's Way: > Go to the bakery. They'll decorate it for you too. > > Martha's way #4: > If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a > peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up." > > The Real Women's Way: > If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Motto: I made > it and you will eat it. > > Martha's way #5: > Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will > keep for weeks. > > The Real Women's Way: > Celery sounds foreign to me. > > Martha's way #6: > Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a > beautiful glossy finish. > > The Real Women's Way: > Mrs. Smith's frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over > the crust. > > Martha's way #7: > Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. > The throbbing will go away. > > > The Real Women's Way: > Martha, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your > forehead without getting lime juice in your eyes; then the problem isn't the > headache, it's blindness. > > Martha's way #9: > If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They > give a non-slip grip making opening jars easy. > > The Real Women's Way: > Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. > > And finally... > > Martha's way #10: > Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use > in casseroles and sauces. > > The Real Women's Way: > Leftover wine????? ________________________________ You can't please everyone. But it is possible to make'em all mad at the same time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us. Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "after September 15, all work will be supervised by 5 children." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ According to 'Men's Health' magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. That's something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen this woman. Bill Clinton replied, "I think I've come across her face a couple of times" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man from Saudi Arabia named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. A gent from Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way." "Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?" "Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman." "Goodness gracious!" exclaims Abdul, "number 80!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yo mama's so fat that when she sees a school bus she yells, "Stop that twinkie!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination." His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April first ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way.... So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. ____________________________________ Women Drivers ? Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her makeup! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Bob and the Twins, ruined the phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL! DAMN THOSE WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! A few short jokes A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love for the first time ever, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally let out a loud fart. She looked up, very embarrassed ..her eyes wide, and exclaimed: "So sorry, honorable husband... Excuse please! Front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud!" Sterilization Request Dear Dr. Dover: I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again. Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again. I asked the pharmacist about condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me--as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead. Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation, I will have to resort to oral sex; and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*= Nature calls A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, some how missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around herknees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the damdest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift." "So how'd you break your arm?"