For all of those who love their lawn.....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by ChevyHuny, Sep 9, 2002.

  1. ChevyHuny

    ChevyHuny 1/2 ton status

    Aug 17, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Washington State
    Yes this is kind of long but very funny /forums/images/icons/grin.gif

    Dumb and Dumber

    GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is
    going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to the
    dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a
    perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
    withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
    lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I
    expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of
    ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the
    Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great
    lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract
    bees, butterflies or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
    with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
    keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and poisoning any
    other plant that crops up in the lawn.

    GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably makes the grass grow
    really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they
    cut it---sometimes two times a week.

    GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

    ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

    GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    ST. FRANCIS: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    GOD: Now let me get this straight: They fertilize it to make it grow and
    when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

    ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

    GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
    the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them
    a lot of work.

    ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
    growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
    can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

    GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
    stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
    to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the autumn, they fall to the
    ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and
    protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost
    to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of

    ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the
    Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

    GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the
    winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

    ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something
    called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the

    GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

    ST. FRANCIS: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

    GOD: Enough!! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine,
    you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

    GOD: Never mind---I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis.
  2. FL84K5

    FL84K5 1/2 ton status

    Aug 19, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Sarasota, FL

Share This Page