Funny, especially if you are familiar with the military.

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Okiemuddog, Apr 1, 2003.

  1. Okiemuddog

    Okiemuddog 1/2 ton status

    Mar 3, 2003
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    Guthrie, Oklahoma
    I edited most of the profanity, please excuse any I missed. I thought you military guys might get a laugh out of this.





    OPR: 99 SFS/SFX (Sgt Rock) Certified By: 99 SFS/CCE (Capt. America)
    Approved by: 99 SFS/CC (Maj. Payne)
    Pages: 4
    Distribution: F

    This instruction details the actions Air Force NCOs must take in order to achieve great success when counseling subordinates. If you are an Airman or Lieutenant stop reading now, this Instruction will be made available to you later in your career. If caught reading this, you will receive an immediate a$$ whoppin’.

    1. GENERAL. Most military leaders area able to accomplish their mission and correct Airman deficiencies with simple verbal counseling. Some Airmen, however, fail to respond to this approach, and a more direct method of corrective action is required. With the Air Force not yet fully recovered from the “Quality Air Force” f*-up, the need to develop sound, effective wall-to-wall counseling techniques is more important now than ever.

    1.1. The higher percentage of liberal, college-educated Airmen enlisting in the Air Force has resulted in not only more intelligent Airmen, but also ones who want to know “why” every time they are told to do something. Until now many leaders, upon being asked “why” have had to control their urges to slap the sh*t out of the smart-a$$ Airman. The Air Force has recognized controlling these urges only results not only in elevated blood pressure levels and unexplained nervous twitches for the leader in question, but has denied the Airmen the opportunity to learn the effectiveness of this style of leadership.

    2. WHEN TO COUNSEL. There are several different situations that may require a leader to go wall-to-wall with a subordinate. This list is not all-inclusive, and the leader should not hesitate to initiate an a$$ whoppin’ as he/she sees appropriate.

    2.1. Minor offenses. Simple infractions of the rules can be dealt with quickly by a simple a$$ whoppin’. Most Airmen appreciate this in the long run, as it saves them a trip to the Commander in their Service Dress uniform for UCMJ action, and has the added benefit for the leader of saving paperwork. Some examples of minor offenses are:

    2.1.1. Lateness. A leader should evaluate this infraction before initiating wall-to-wall counseling actions. For example: conducting an a$$ whoppin’ for the first offense would probably be counter-productive, causing the Airman to lose motivation, and causing you to schedule further corrective actions at later dates. If, however, the Airman is late every day for a month, wall-to wall counseling will not only be effective, but enjoyable.

    2.1.2. Incompetence. If an Airman is as f*ed-up as a football bat and consistently proves himself/herself incapable of performing duties required in his/her given field, or fails their CDC end-of-course exam, he or she may indeed be a candidate for an a$$ whoppin’.

    2.1.3. Challenging or defying authority. Even though the UCMJ covers this, there are times when a wall-to-wall session will be more effective than a court martial. Airmen who harass or ignore your guidance are prime candidates for an a$$ whoppin’. This philosophy has two goals: to correct the Airman’s deficient behavior and it serves as a deterrent for others who challenge your supreme rule.

    2.1.4. F*ing off. Airmen are naturally disposed to f* off when a supervisor is not around. This is detrimental to the good order and discipline of a military unit, and must be corrected immediately. A quick slap to the back of the head is usually most effective, especially if the offending Airman doesn’t know you are in the area, and is caught totally off guard. Of course, Airmen who are repeat offenders may require more extensive counseling.

    2.2. Major offenses. Including, but not limited to: rape, murder, arson, burglary, etc. These crimes usually result in court-martial action, and no supervisory intervention is required. However, in certain circumstances a supervisor may want to initiate an a$$ whoppin’ until Law Enforcement/OSI personnel arrive on scene.

    2.3. Other offenses. These are simply offenses that may be compounded into major headaches if not nipped in the bud immediately. Most of these apply to flight-level personnel.

    2.3.1. Failure to make fresh coffee for the day shift. This only happens on mid-shifts. Experience has shown that day-shift flight chiefs who are submitted to morning caffeine deprivation for this reason will spend their entire duty day in the NCOIC/Operation’s Officer’s office creating totally f*ed-up things for the mid-shift to accomplish.

    2.3.2. Excessive errors in reports or blotters. Any NCO who has been called in after a mid-shift or on their day off to fix the administrative errors of their subordinates, knows just how vital it is to correct this activity immediately. It is most effective if you kick the sh*t out of the offender at the earliest opportunity, preferably in front of others who are prone to commit the same atrocity.

    3. WHEN NOT TO COUNSEL. Wise leaders know there is a time and a place for everything. Wall-to-wall counseling is no exception. Some potential circumstances when slapping the sh*t out of an Airman might not be appropriate are:

    3.1. In front of your chain of command. This rule only applies to commissioned officers. Senior NCOs will fully understand and support your need to conduct wall-to-wall counseling in their presence, but a commissioned officer may not be familiar with the contents of this Instruction, and you could find yourself in your Service Dress uniform at your own court martial. This is especially true in the presence of senior leadership (i.e., slapping an Airman in the presence of the Wing Commander).

    3.2. In the case of overly large Airmen. Common sense should dictate this. If the Airman is twice your size and can bench press a Volkswagen, wall-to-wall counseling should be postponed until you can obtain the assistance of a partner or two. Also consider the use of specialized tools (baseball bat, 2X4, lead pipe, etc.).

    3.3. In consideration of the offending Airman’s hobbies. This is not out of respect for his/her feelings, but for your health. For example, if the Airman is a black belt in Karate or the runner-up in the last Ultimate Fighting Championship, you may find yourself looking up at the ceiling tiles of the base Emergency Room wondering what the hell happened.

    3.4. When the Airman in question is armed. This applies to both on duty Security Forces personnel and gang member wannabes. In this case, it is imperative you disarm the Airman prior to administering the whoppin’. If the Airman voluntarily surrenders the weapon to you, he is potentially retarded and deserves having his a$$ kicked. If not, the best thing is to have an associate standing by with a larger caliber weapon than the Airman.

    3.5. After consuming alcohol. Wall-to-wall counseling should never be conducted under the influence of alcohol. There are three main reasons for this:

    3.5.1. You may be unable to properly articulate the reason for the ass whoppin’. The Airman might come away thinking you just got wasted and kicked the sh*t out of him/her for no reason.

    3.5.2. The Airman may not recognize this as a leadership action and file assault charges against you. This problem is worse if the counseling session occurs off base, say, at a bar.

    3.5.3. Most importantly, you may be so drunk that the Airman is able to turn the counseling session around and kick the sh*t out of you. Your problems will be compounded when medical personnel attending your injuries deem them “alcohol related” and you are enrolled in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program.

    4. PREPARATION FOR COUNSELING. Like any other successful military operation, wall-to-wall counseling relies on proper preparation.

    4.1. Find the best location. Location is very important. You do not want to be interrupted during the session; nor do you want any large objects the Airman can use to evade you or use as a weapon against you. Modern construction standards must be taken into consideration, as you could easily put the offending Airman’s head through a wall. The real issue here is not the health of the Airman; it’s the Report of Survey you’ll have to do if you break the wall.

    4.1. Informing the Airman. Be careful about what you tell the Airman prior to the session. If you inform an Airman, “you are a total f* up and I’m going to kick the sh*t out of you at 1530 today” it may be counterproductive. The Airman will probably not show up for the meeting, causing the leader to schedule a second counseling session. The leader should disguise his/her true intentions by saying something like, “I need you in my office at 1530 today to go over your midterm feedback.”

    5. SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS. There are several special considerations not previously covered in this Instruction.

    5.1. Counseling up your chain of command. The Air Force recognizes that it may sometimes be necessary to counsel individuals who outrank you. The following is some basic guidance should this become necessary:

    5.1.1. Commissioned officers. As a general rule of thumb, this activity will land you in jail. With some creative thinking, however, you can effectively correct officer’s behavior. Only Senior NCOs who are experienced in the art of covering their tracks should attempt this risky move. NOTE: This does not apply to Second Lieutenants, who usually require a daily a$$ whoppin’. Don’t worry too much about it, as they are trained to expect it as a vital part of their military education.

    5.2. Counseling fellow NCOs. There are bound to be times when even fellow NCOs f* up, and deserve a good ass whoppin’. While this occurrence is rare, you should be prepared for the possibility. In the case of a Senior NCO, you should not try this alone. Senior NCOs have years of experience, and could very well put you in traction. In a case like this, you should enlist the aid of another Senior NCO. If the counseling session is justified, a Senior NCO will be more than happy to help straighten out any problem children. SAFETY TIP: under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to conduct wall-to-wall counseling with a Chief Master Sergeant. You will probably end up in the base Emergency room with a large, blunt object jammed up your a$$. To add insult to injury, when the Chief is done whoppin’ the sh*t out of you, he will probably have you thrown in jail, where you will become the sex toy for an ex-Marine named Brutus.


    6. CLOSING COMMENTS. This Instruction should enable you to improve the morale and ability of your Unit to accomplish its mission. Wall-to-wall counseling enables the NCO to establish standards of conduct easily followed by Airmen too full of themselves for their own good. It also provides a clear example of the penalty for violating those standards. It also has the added benefit of giving you an outlet for your frustration, leading to lower blood pressure, and fewer visits to the commander’s office in your Service Dress uniform when one of your bonehead subordinates f*s up. /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
  2. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

    Jan 21, 2001
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    Undisclosed Location
    Oh hell yes!!!!!!!!!!! Talk 'bout memories, though the Army didn't have the procedures written down in stone since it was mandatory in covering our tracks.

    Of course this document is legitimate cause any veteran would recognize the one term widely used by only military personnel, "Fawked up like a football bat."

    That is great!!!!!!!!!!!!

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