If you fly alot, read these......

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by 79Stomper, Aug 19, 2004.

  1. 79Stomper

    79Stomper 1/2 ton status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

    Mar 4, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Forest, VA
    Here are some conversations airline passengers normally will never hear.
    following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control
    around the world.

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

    "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
    one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

    United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
    Fokker in sight."

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
    touching down.

    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
    runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
    Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
    his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic
    told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one
    shut down.

    "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

    Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
    returned to
    the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned
    asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

    "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
    attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

    A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
    following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance

    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
    Why must I speak English?"

    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
    lost the bloody war."

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
    lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how
    get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
    we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
    control and a British Airways 747,call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
    Frankfurt before?"

    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --and I

    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
    for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
    727. An
    irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
    "US Air
    2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie
    taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
    difficult for
    you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
    "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
    out! You
    stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

    You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
    you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!

    You got that, US Air 2771?"

    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
    after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
    irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

    Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just
    an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
    "Wasn't I
    married to you once?"
  2. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester Premium Member

    Feb 24, 2000
    Likes Received:
    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gifThose were good....
  3. nvrenuf

    nvrenuf What update?? Premium Member

    Jan 7, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Mobile, Al.
    Funny stuff, if you don't mind I'll add a little more airline humor. /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif

    <font color="green">
    After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a
    gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with
    the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
    correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
    the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
    sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
    and engineers lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and
    problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by
    Qantas[ maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That’s what they’re there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you’re right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

  4. white-rhyno

    white-rhyno 1/2 ton status

    Jan 27, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Ellensburg Washington
    Good stuff

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