Jasper and The Uncooked Yeast Rolls

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Jeremy_C, Dec 15, 2003.

  1. Jeremy_C

    Jeremy_C 1/2 ton status

    Mar 26, 2002
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    East TN
    Author Unknown

    Jasper and The Uncooked Yeast Rolls

    We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the
    summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you
    who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10
    year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing
    your best to be a good parent.

    Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only
    sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as
    he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you
    think this is a bad case of no discipline, I should tell you that
    Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including
    locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door
    cost over $200. But I digress.

    Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the
    project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me
    out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner for family, extended family and a
    lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was,
    however, assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner
    rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still
    cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly.
    It was the only appliance in the whole house that worked, thus the

    I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat
    on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can
    imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams
    latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the
    living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to
    go out to eat, returning in about an hour.

    An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30pm.
    When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock
    one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my
    worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He
    looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin
    Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even
    his cheeks were bloated.

    I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
    uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however,
    I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the

    God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more
    than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time
    we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we
    had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

    Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very
    stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing;
    put the dogs out to relieve themselves. Well, the dog was as drunk as
    a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat
    on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half
    was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the
    floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his
    leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he
    ran down the small incline in our backyard he couldn't stop himself
    and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated
    and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of
    laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he
    explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was
    indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go
    through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving
    him Pepto Bismol.

    Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up
    and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving
    meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10
    to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12)
    and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car
    between Perry and I, we took off. Now I know you probably don't
    believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a
    tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were
    pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk
    tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was
    beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me
    dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire
    trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she

    Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door
    locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of
    the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and
    everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each
    returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without
    running into something.

    Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out," and
    Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12
    risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete
    block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite
    different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing
    when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his
    "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we
    could hose down the floor.

    This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from
    the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood
    the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set
    up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously
    no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands
    and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor.
    And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the dog in his drunken state
    had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage
    floor that had to be brushed too.

    Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home
    and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner
    at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today
    (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He
    has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I

    I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen
    unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must
    have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2
    of them for later would not be a bad idea.

    Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to How to clean unbaked
    dough from the carpet, and how was your day?
  2. daleearnhardt01

    daleearnhardt01 1/2 ton status

    Aug 29, 2002
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    Richmond, VA
    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
  3. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

    Nov 6, 2000
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    portland oregon
    /forums/images/graemlins/eek.gif that was to funny /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
  4. Blaze

    Blaze 1/2 ton status

    Aug 28, 2000
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    Raleigh, NC
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  5. unick

    unick 1/2 ton status

    Aug 16, 2003
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    San Diego Comufornia
    Thats the funniest damn thing ive read in a lone time HAHAHA /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif

  6. mudjunkie 82

    mudjunkie 82 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Dec 27, 2002
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    Cleveland Ohio
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  7. Muddytazz

    Muddytazz 1 ton status

    Jun 30, 2002
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    Salem, Or.
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  8. k5ntexas

    k5ntexas 1/2 ton status

    Oct 29, 2001
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    corpus christi, texas.
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