>Presidential Address > > > > WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? > > > > My Fellow Americans: > > > > As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since >congress does not want to spend any more money on this > > war, our mission in Iraq is now complete. > > This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American >forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. > > It is now to begin the reckoning. > > Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries >which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This > > list is short. > > The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of >the countries listed there. > > The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the >world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be > > distributing copies of both lists later this evening. > > Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to >those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money > > saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of >the Iraqi war. > > The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world >Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on > > Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. > > In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this >money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. > > On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we >will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of > the earth. > > Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. > > To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace >deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to >Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, >too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with >France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are >retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. > > I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many >UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid >parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded >and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You >creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets >tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over >to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York . > > A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are >likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try >not pissing us off for a change. > > Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt >government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra >tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put >em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. > > Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - >starting now. > > We are tired of the one-way highway. It is time for America to focus on >its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. >I answer them by saying, "darn tootin." > > Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the >world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the >planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate >homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from >America. < /FONT> >To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we >won't forget. > > To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead. > > God bless America. > > Thank you and good night. > > If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, >thank a soldier. > > Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! > > Let's get this to every USA computer ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!