List of jokes

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Z3PR, Jun 18, 2002.

  1. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

    Mar 30, 2002
    Likes Received:
    One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother
    do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices
    that her mother has several strands of white hair
    sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
    She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why
    are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl
    does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or
    makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while
    and said: "You must have really pissed off Grandma."


    Mother Superior: "Sister Lucy, go to the ticket office
    and get three tickets to Pittsburgh and change in nickels and dimes."

    Poor Sister Lucy gets to the ticket office and is confronted by a
    very well endowed blonde with a low cut neckline.

    Blushing she says: "Please may I have three tickets
    to tittsburg and the change in nickels and dimes."
    Realizing her blunder she rushes empty handed back
    to Mother Superior and confesses.

    Mother Superior: "Sister Frederica, you go to the ticket office and
    get two tickets to Pittsburgh and change in nickels and dimes."

    Sister Frederica braces herself at the ticket office and utters:
    "Three tickets to Pittsburgh and the change in nipples and dimes."
    Flustered, she too returns empty handed.

    At this stage Mother Superior storms off to the ticket office.
    Using her most matronly voice, "Three tickets to Pittsburgh and
    the change in nickels and dimes.
    Thank you, young lady.
    You know, you should be ashamed of yourself, dressing like that.
    You do realize that Saint finger is pointing his Peter at you!!"


    You are a lousy cook if....

    * Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

    * Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

    * Your 4-year-old son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

    * Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

    * Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

    * Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.


    A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute
    to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected
    to catch her in the act.

    The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the
    wife in bed with another man.

    The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous.
    Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

    The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

    The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

    * * *

    The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The
    scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

    "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted
    out, "He's an [censored]!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and
    shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang
    to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".

    Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

    The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were
    explained the events that had transpired.

    The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have
    committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in
    agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged."

    The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for "Making an obscene clone fall...."

    * * *

  2. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

    Mar 30, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Dear Whiners and Complainers... Two years ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning
    anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a
    present for me.

    She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the
    children will remember." The children never said a word.

    When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet,
    said, "Good Morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

    I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's
    your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

    I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

    We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had
    two martinis and I enjoyed lunch tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office,
    do we?"

    I said, "No, I guess not."

    She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

    After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
    something more comfortable."

    "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
    birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

    And there I sat...on the couch...naked. It was all down hill from there. My wife left with the kids, my boss fired me, my
    friends hated me, I couldn't afford the payments on the car and I had to sell it, I started eating to much and gained
    weight. I moved to another town and got a job in Kmart and I am trying to start a new life here. So I have a message
    for all of you who morons who had a bad day and are sitting there complaining about it. SHUT
    UPbecause if you think you have it bad, look at me! MY LIFE

    Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Vito
    and the other was Vladimir.

    Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But
    Vladamir had no success.

    Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"

    Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to
    become too public."

    Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."

    Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it
    in my Speedos bathing suit. When the women see it they come running from miles around."

    Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."

    The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly
    shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.

    As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take
    notice of him.

    "Its working, he thought."

    But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost
    disgusted by the sight of him.

    He rushed over to Vito and asked, "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"

    Vito: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."


    Never hire a man to do a woman's job .......

    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
    highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
    background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

    After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
    testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but
    only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
    secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
    large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
    instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this
    room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

    The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could
    never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the
    right man for this job then."

    So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know
    that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they
    explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
    chair. Take this gun and kill her."

    The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in
    the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man
    came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just
    couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for
    the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
    the hell home."

    Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same
    door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow
    instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside
    you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

    The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the
    way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots.
    Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
    several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood
    the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't
    tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to
    death with the chair!"


    There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy,
    by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK.
    So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him.
    The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in
    my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like."

    So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got
    all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger handed him the rifle. The
    man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife,
    naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman
    how much it would be for a hit.

    The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

    The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at
    me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife."

    The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get
    impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand

    * * *

    Thor, the mighty God of Thunder, is sitting on his throne one day when he decides that he should go down to Earth and look for
    some adventure. He does, finds a virgin maiden, and takes her to an empty cottage. During the night, he has sex with her
    twenty-six times!

    When he returns to his throne, he starts to feel guilty and thinks that he owes the girl an explanation. After all, he can't let her go
    through life thinking that all men have such sexual abilities. So he walks back into the cottage where the girl still lies and shouts
    in a God-like voice, "I am Thor." The unimpressed maiden answers, "You're Thor! I can't even thit!"

    * * *

    One day, little Johnny was walking to school with his pet turtle for show and tell. While he was on his way, a truck drove by and
    startled him. Johnny dropped the turtle and the truck ran it over killing it instantly.

    Johnny went along to school anyway When the class all finished doing their show and tell projects, the teacher finally called on
    Johnny, "Johnny, where is your show and tell for today?"

    Johnny replied, Well teacher it's like this, I was walking to school with my pet turtle and a truck drive by and scared me. I
    dropped the turtle and then ran his ASS right over and killed him!"

    His teacher was in shock and very sternly stated, "Johnny, we don't use that kind of language in school. We say rectum."

    Johnny said, "Rectum . . it ****in' killed him!" /forums/images/icons/grin.gif

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