Men and Women and wrapping paper (lengthy but good)

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by iceman, Dec 21, 2002.

  1. iceman

    iceman 1/2 ton status

    Oct 26, 2000
    Likes Received:
    Littleton, CO. 80127
    This is the time of year when we think back to the
    very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men --
    Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby
    Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew,
    "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
    myrrh." These are simple words, but if we analyze them
    carefully, we discover an important, yet
    often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no
    mention of wrapping paper.

    If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have
    said so: (KJV)
    "And lo, the gifts were wrapped with 600 square cubits of
    papyrus. And the paper was festooned with pictures of
    Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth
    it away, but Mary saith unto him, she saith, 'Hold
    it! That is nice paper! Save it for next year!' And
    Joseph rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus
    was more interested in the paper than, for example,
    the frankincense."

    But these words do not appear in the Bible, which
    means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT
    wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts
    had two important characteristics:

    1. They were wise.
    2. They were men.

    Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand
    the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody
    else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion:
    This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
    survey of two guys I know. One is my son Rob, who said
    the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "If it's
    such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when
    the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene
    Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
    matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds
    per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents
    daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the
    ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

    I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my
    motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can
    take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the
    exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of
    a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done
    folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the
    gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector
    with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian
    in the field of mummies, the lower half of the
    Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

    On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch
    square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo
    plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES
    wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
    batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which
    to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
    illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
    individual volt.

    My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills
    -- like having babies -- that comes more naturally to
    women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:


    Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
    If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of
    you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

    The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an
    item on how to make your own wrapping paper by
    printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half
    horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
    and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

    If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the
    wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
    of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a
    festive visual effect that is sure to delight the
    recipient on Christmas morning:

    YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the

    YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

    YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf

    YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

    YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

    YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

    In conclusion, remember that the important thing is
    not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important
    thing, during this very special time of year, is that
    you save the receipt.
  2. 82GMC

    82GMC 1/2 ton status

    May 14, 2000
    Likes Received:
    Seattle Washington
    Funny! /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif Didn't Dave Barry write that? I think I remember reading it in the paper last year /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif.

Share This Page