Oil Change Instructions

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by dontoe, Feb 17, 2005.

  1. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

    May 7, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Hickory, N.C.

    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last
    oil change.

    2. Drink a cup of coffee.

    3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money Spent:

    Oil Change $20.00

    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00


    1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
    for $50.00.

    2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

    3. Open a beer and drink it.

    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7. Place drain pan under engine.

    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10. Unscrew drain plug.

    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
    kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
    twist off.

    16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere
    from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
    environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
    full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
    yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.

    19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket

    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
    with drain plug.

    27. Drink beer.

    28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
    into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
    ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

    29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
    litter on oil spill.

    30. Drink beer.

    31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
    used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
    plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33. Begin cussing fit.

    34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
    in the left boob.

    36. Beer.

    37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38. Beer.

    39. Beer.

    40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41. Beer.

    42. Lower car from jack stands.

    43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    during steps 23 - 43.

    45. Beer.

    46. Test drive car.

    47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48. Car gets impounded.

    49. Call loving wife, make bail.

    50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money Spent:

    Parts $50.00

    DUI $2500.00

    Impound fee $75.00

    Bail $1500.00

    Beer $40.00
    Total $4165.00

    - But you know the job was done right!
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2005
  2. dwoods

    dwoods 1/2 ton status Premium Member

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    DuBois PA
    Damn right, A few years ago took my turck to local midas for inspecton and oil change. They Drained the oil never put new oil back in. Drove about 1/4 mile and the engine died. :mad:
  3. flatline

    flatline 1/2 ton status

    Sep 9, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Cincinnati, Ohio (area)
    That is the funniest thing I have seen on the internet in a while, I got a good laugh thanks! :grin:
  4. Muddytazz

    Muddytazz 1 ton status

    Jun 30, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Salem, Or.
    OMG, that is some hilarious shi!t....thanks for the great laugh :D
  5. darkshadow

    darkshadow 1 ton status

    Dec 6, 2003
    Likes Received:
    i belive that was the point!!! :thumb:
  6. dwoods

    dwoods 1/2 ton status Premium Member

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    DuBois PA
    to finish my story

    Had to do stuff for stupid work and couldn't finish my story. Got my truck towed home thought maybe a fuel pump was bad but I could here it cycle with ignition on. Somehow it started back up and it was then I seen the oil gauge read 0 psi. Checked the oil dipstick was bone dry. Any way got $2000 from midas it was enough for a rebuit engine and tranny truck had 100,000 miles on it so it worked out but was pissed off for awhile. By they way the midas shop closed about a year later.
  7. sweetk30

    sweetk30 professional hooker Premium Member

    Nov 1, 2004
    Likes Received:
    horseheads , ny 14845
    some women will ask what to do if the sticker falls off the window before the next oil change.:confused:

    and after getting car back from impound yard , drive 3 city blocks and motor locks up.:blush: tow home and find 2 orings on filter .:angry1: :angry1: the old one had stuck on block and in the middle of oil bath and beer drinking had forgoten to check for old oring.:grin: now need new motor and will use car after 1 year drivers license revocation lifted. ow well what a weekend.:frown1:
  8. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

    Sep 4, 2004
    Likes Received:
    KC Missouri
    Oil filter gaskets sticking on a block sucks, that happened to my Dad when he changed the oil filter in his boat.:mad: Motor locked up in the middle of the lake and the boat had to be pulled back to the dock.

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