Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by muddin4fun, May 6, 2002.

  1. muddin4fun

    muddin4fun 3/4 ton status

    Feb 19, 2001
    Likes Received:
    N Texas

    Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
    Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
    weekend with the guys.


    Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's

    PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT (from the Internet)

    (Long Form Std Form No LX 980345122)

    The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being
    of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with
    the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being
    of sound mind and a bit overweight body.

    1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
    referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully
    disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children,
    bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, STDs, strange
    political affiliations, or currently active relationships with
    anyone else that have not yet terminated.

    Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
    complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or
    organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result
    in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has
    a chance to get anywhere.

    2) INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the
    person who arranges the liaison (colloquially referred to as
    the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns
    out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition
    of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at
    most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse".
    For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in "Basic
    Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)

    3) DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed
    past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the
    following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the
    first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they
    are "going out" (This neither implies nor states any guarantee
    of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both
    parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred
    to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the
    commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use
    the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual
    acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no
    circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little
    woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady"
    acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable
    may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
    disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
    relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once
    again be said to be "on the market".

    4) TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both
    parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts
    on weekends, week nights, or over long holiday periods. No
    unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties
    agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time.
    Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one
    party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation,
    the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

    5) DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both
    members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the
    other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions.

    All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in
    advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the
    night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree
    to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
    vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
    member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous
    home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one
    unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five
    (45) days, both parties will return to their normal

    6) TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income
    aside - "He will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs,
    theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably
    impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you
    pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
    bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary
    funds on hand at the time.

    7) LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I
    bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said
    relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
    than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to
    split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it
    is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd
    remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after
    himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing
    his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household
    duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to
    keep his apartment "a mess".

    8) THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each
    member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the
    euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why
    don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology
    like "Let's get married".

    9) THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties
    agree not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants,
    dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of
    jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by
    this rule will result in the other party using the "G"
    word... "Gone".

    10) GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be
    grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said

    A) Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-

    B) Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the
    same thing"

    C) Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member
    should seek "help"

    D) Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you

    11) DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party
    reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or
    all of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody
    better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody
    who can really appreciate me"; "My analyst thinks you are..."
    (appropriate psychosis/neurosis terms goes here)

    12) MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until
    such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks". Each
    party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice
    before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said
    affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
    socks, sweatshirts, books, CDs, door keys, and personal
    undergarments with all due haste through impartial
    intermediaries. Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two
    (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
    friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other
    for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance
    included), and further consent to use one of the following
    nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing
    wasn't right." "He/she wanted more than I could give." "He/she
    was too involved in his/her career." "He/she decided to go back
    to his/her lover/ hometown/therapist." AHe/she needs more space."

    13) ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both
    parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
  2. NoAngel

    NoAngel 1/2 ton status

    Sep 19, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Works for me!

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