What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have? Palm Sunday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo machine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, row, row your boat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this [censored]."