A Starfleet Captain Might be considered a Redneck if................ 1) - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month 2)- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles 3) - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" 4)- he refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters" 5)- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" 6)- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil 7) - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section 8) - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" 9) - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen 10)- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle 11)- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it 12)- he says "Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin!!!" instead of "Engage" 13)- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser 14) - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" 15) - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster" 16)- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens 17)- he paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes 18) - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" 19)- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp" 20) - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale 21) - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen" 22) - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls 23) - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge 24) - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies 25) - he sets phaser to "Cajun" 26) - he has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables 27) - the warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glu 28) - he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine 29) - he lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol 30) - he keeps livestock in the cargo bay 31) - he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had." 32) - he orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet 33) - the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses Your Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If... (1) - if he uses his lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer (2) - if he says "these are not the beers you're looking for" (3) - if that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs (4) - if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside (5) - if he calls his young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)" (6) - if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up (7) - if the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family (8) - if he calls Hank Williams Jr."master" (9) - if his landspeeder has a gun rack (10) - if he meditiates to old CCR records (11) - if he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy. (12) - if he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees... the dark side are they." (13) - if his X-Wing has a still in it (14) - if his lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base (15) - if there is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid (16) - if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them (17) - if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock (18) - if he has ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill (19) - if he uses Jawas for a drink holder (20) - if he fights with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other (21) - if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck (22) - if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD (23) - if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth (24) - if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit. (25) - if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored (26) - if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored (27) - if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok (28) - if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks (29) - if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets (30) - if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling (31) - if his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot." (32) - if he's ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light (33) - if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery (34) - if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest (35) - if his father's name is Garth Vader (36) - if he got his lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids (37) - if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister (38) - if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs (39) - if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power (40) - if he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer Things you wouldn't hear a Southerner say Compiled by Rena Whitehouse We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. She's too old to be wearing that bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Elvis who? Turn abouts are fair play!! You might be a Yankee if .... 1. You don't know kudzu from kung fu 2. You enjoy living in filth 3. The only kind of grass you've seen is the kind you smoke. 4. You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus. 5. The thought of eating scrapple doesn't turn your stomach. 6. You talk real fast and charm real slow. 7. You think smog is a sky color. 8. You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top. 9. You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun. 10. Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father's bedroom. 11. You think okra is a talk show host. *12. You can be surrounded bye crime and "didn't see a thing!!" *13. You didn't know chickens layed eggs and cows produced milk. *14. You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask. *15. You think Skoal is a form of punishment. Redneck Computer Lingo "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. "Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys. "Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns. "Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip. "Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions. "ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. "Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase. "Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. "Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line. "Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. "LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yer truck." "Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. "bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways." "digital control" -- What Yer fingers do on the TV remote. "packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip. Redneck Driving Etiquette 1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3.Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. 4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6.Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. 7.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.