SUBJECT: Monthly Report DATE: 03/13/00 FROM: firstname.lastname@example.org TO: hubby@home_alone.com Dear Hubby, Honey, we need to talk! "DON'T" click another URL until you've read this...please. Since you're always busy, I'm using the computer at the library to send you this email. It's been months since you've spent anytime with the family. Actually, we are all getting a little worried about you. Your legs won't straighten out and your eyes are blood red now. I really think you should stop sleeping in that chair even though we did have it made into a recliner with a keyboard tray and extra padding. Remember when I wanted your attention and put too much Viagra in your coffee.......well.... surprise.... we're having twins. Have you recovered from that exhausting few days yet? I haven't .....and will "NEVER" do that again no matter how lonely I get! Oh yes.....the doctor said the catheter has to come out hun. You can't leave it in there any longer. You'll have to stop and go to the bathroom or start using your urinal again. Sorry! And.......the leak wasn't the waterbed.....we don't have a waterbed! The kids are all fine. I loaded their school pictures on your web site so you can see how much they have grown. Click on the button that says "Surprise, we've grown up". Jack said he'd trim your beard for you next week. Susie felt so bad when she upset your lunch on the keyboard. Bless her heart, she's like your mother....she's a few fries short of a complete Happy Meal but she tries. I hope everything is working okay now. Oh yes, you don't need to worry about the mouse I wanted you to kill. I got him with one of your golf clubs. The club is a little bent now.....hope that doesn't hurt it. It's kind of like a kinked slinky. I'll write again once the twins are born. Ed, our insurance salesman, is taking me and the kids on a trip so take care. We'll be back in a couple of weeks. Remember not to put both contact lenses in the same eye! Love, Your Wife ________________________________________________ a village in South Africa there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter. The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well, finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way.What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her."Mary, Mary, where are you?" Finally, he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated."You son-of-a-bitch, you bastard, you good for nothing!!" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing. Why are you mad at me?" our Tiger asks.Mary says, "Yeah, you [censored], you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well, he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak. "Hey Honey, I tell you something, you know what? Sancho, he is my best friend. I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one."Our Tiger is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.Mary is now angrier and begins to punch him over and over. "You stupid man, you dumb ass," she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE!!"