A long long time ago, I can still remember, something…. **** I forgot it Anyway, there is a race among men. A race that, by it’s inclusion in humanity makes it better. These are the badass men, of, Romania, Canada, Greater West Lichtenstein, Stroke On Trent and…. Ohio! Also, other places. Anyway, on April 22, 1975, there was thrust into this world a great being. He came not from a regular birthmother, but was delivered out of a hulking black orb, which burst high above the ground, the essence of it shattering into a thousand fiery black birds, sweeping of the spread the news that the great one had come. Thus was Mr. Longley. He rocketed to the earth at one hundred and fifteen miles per hour, impacting somewhere near Arizona. While he was falling, he conceived of a great principle of physics and ripped time and space open with his chubby little baby arms. Aw! How cute! Thus, on impact, the force of it, being great and wondrous, was dissipated through the epochs and landed roughly in West Germany, during the Second World War, killing roughly thirty thousand Nazis, three really bad guys, a dog, which was also not very nice. It always bit people in the naughty bits. It was an old dog anyway. Anyway, after bit of a brush off, Mr. Longley trekked down a railroad track towards the nearest town. Being less than an hour old, he was not really sure of the area, so he made sure to walk directly on the steel line. The line was about three hundred degrees from the combination of the hot Arizona sun and the glowing majesty of the man himself. This slightly annoyed our little man (and a man he was, for no thing such as this could ever be called baby, or infant) so he asked the sun kindly to tone it town a bit. The sun complied, wanting not to anger such a monstrous thing, and went of to watch television a while, leaving Earth to plunge into a new ice age. Three seconds later though, while the backed up supply of sunlight was cruising along, singing its song, and keeping the Earth from being fresh frozen, Mr. Longley’s testicles dropped, and, besides deforming the train tracks into a mass of tangled steel, they created an electromagnetic pulse, knocking out the reception of the Sun’s TV, causing it to become bored, thus less hot, thus……. The sun part of the story is over. Anyway, Mr. Longley, almost near a town, and with a giant metal mess to deal with, chucked it back in time towards a wasteland of horrors, to sit and be a monument to giant dicks (and their associated parts) everywhere. It ended up in France, and I hear they make good money off it now. You have to pay $5 to see the actual impact point, where the metal has fused into a sort of shrine to manliness. I think they call it the Eye Full tower or some such. It smells really bad over there anyway, though Mr. Longley always smells of flowers and sheer awesomeness. You cannot bottle that kind of thing, you know. Anyway, Mr. Longley stopped in at a gas station, bought a soda, went off and killed a buffalo, and danced at a heavy metal show. In the time it took him to walk from the space time rip leading to France to the gas station, he had grown to six foot seven, three hundred and fifty pounds of pure muscle, with a charming demeanor, a nice smile, great hair, and an ass you could use as an industrial anvil. In the time it took him to drink the soda, which he had paid for is the pure gold he poops, he had become an icon of masculinity, and had a sharp buffalo skin suit. He also had a tofu cowboy hat to appease hippies. When he was at the heavy metal show, he invented the power chord, and played a single, three hour long, 198dB open E. This gave us what we know now as rock and roll. Yeah, yeah, it went back in time too. It rewrote history. It almost killed Mark David Chapman, the ass, but it missed a little bit. The band didn’t have the guitar tuned properly. From then on out, it was a masterful life, a life full of pride, and amazing feats. Early on, Mr. Longley brought us bubblegum, skateboards, those markers that smell like fruit, Chateau Bryant… Briand… (Whatever the hell that steak is) …and peanut butter crackers. He is very shy and let other people take credit for those things he’s cool like that. Also, yes, back in time and whatnot. From 1976 to 2006, he mainly read a lot. He read every book ever written, five that never were, sixteen that never will be, and a lot of condom wrappers. He developed the ability to grow steel toe boots from his feet, and had a retractable Mohawk. Throughout this time, he acquired 10,000 girlfriends, which is the official galactic limit. Every one of them was always satisfied and deeply in love with him. He gave them all flowers every day, and sometimes they made snow angels. They all had great boobies, and so, Mr. Longley has acquired professional boobie related licensing in all forms available. He can do a 32C double twist lick without batting an eye. Sometime in this period, he also invented macaroni and cheese, founded “Igloos For Homeless Canadians”, baked many pies (real men admit baking) and stared down forest fires. They just sulk away under his gaze. It’s scary. He can blow up ice cream trucks with his mind. He doesn’t though,”Kids like the ice cream” he says, and you just sit there with a dumb smile on your face and a rock hard erection from the sheer majesty of him speaking. Even if you are female. Females just grow epic wangs at the sight of him...... and they uh.... yeah, carrying on...... Other interesting facts about Mr. Longley include: He does not need to run. He can just flex his ass and be propelled in any direction at a slightly slower rate than the speed of light. He doesn’t want to make light jealous, but light knows, and is kind of peeved. Light doesn’t say anything though, it’s like that. He can blend frothy milkshakes with his exhalations, and filters the air when he inhales. Pollution has almost been completely destroyed because of Mr. Longley, and only almost because sometimes he likes to hold his breath for years on end, for ****s and giggles. Mr. Longley IS Captain Planet. No one suspects because Mr. Longley doesn’t have that bad of taste in clothing. The planeteers are some homeless kids he built houses for. Wheeler was his manservant. Wheeler was awesome. Mr. Longley uses a semiautomatic 9mm handgun to massage his pectorals when they are sore, which only really happens after he needs to jump very high, say, into the stratosphere. It’s the same principle as ass flexes. One time he only flexed one and reversed the rotation of the earth, spinning it back in time. Superman stole this idea. Superman is a bitch. Well, compared to Mr. Longley, anyway. Mr. Longley invented table manners, after the corn on the cob, which he invented, was embarrassingly messy. He’s humble like that. No elbows on the table! He also invented the medium rare style of steak cooking, and tequila. He put the worm in the tequila as a high moral lesson. We all forgot what it was because we're idiots. We suck. We're sorry Mr. Longley. Wait...... was it a 1/72 scale model representation of your epic wang? No? Poop...... Mr. Longley urinates high proof whiskey. It has a nice smoky overtone. He brushes his teeth with a welding slag brush. He gargles with his urine. They really did that back int he day, you know. He sometimes squeezes rocks into nice sculptures. They sometimes become sentient and he then boxes them for fun. He always wins. All the time. Forever. He has perfect vision. He has supervision. That is the orign of that word. He is the ultimate authority. That's why he can pull over cops. He rarely does so though. Mr. Longley has a first name. It is not used much, but he needed on one name heroic title when he went back in time and fought Satan. He won’t tell me whether all that religious stuff is true or not, he just looks over at Jesus and laughs. Jesus and Mr. Longley are tight. They make soup together. Mr. Longley is responsible for the disappearance of Ratch. He said he needed a spare bad ass mother for spare parts. I think they’re just playing four way Mario Kart with Jesus and Satan. Mr. Longley made Jesus and Satan make up and be friends. Satan is a decent enough fellow in the right moods. Mr. Longley plays with the pinky toe on one foot, so the others have a chance to win. He is usually satisfying one of his girlfriends at the time, so he doesn't pay much attention anyway. Mr. Longley only allows the metric system to exist for people to have something safe to argue about. This is also why we have a two party political system in the US. he's rethinking that last one. He would just become president, but he doesn't like the way the oval office is decorated. He decorates in leather and oak. He doesn't need to decorate his surrounding anyway, he could stand naked in a pile of rotting corpses and you'd pull up a sodden mushy body to sit on while staring at his chisled abs. The glory, the glory....... Mr. longley is only afraid of fifty foot tall purple tigers. There used to be thousands of them. Ever see one? You know why? Mr. Longley conquers his fears, that's why! Mr. Longley invented the hamburger. It was originally three hundred pounds of ground prime rib and depleted Ohio of onions. Resurrection Joe later stole the idea in a modified form and made the Pattymelt, which is now headed by a green haired monkey secretary. Mr. Longley was offered a Pattymelt in exchange for the monkey’s life. He agreed to the deal, but the monkey later spray painted his house. Mr. Longley agreed that monkeys rule though, and allowed it to stay. Anyway, thus is a very incomplete history of Mr. Longley. He is eternal and very sexy. I want to have his babies. Thanks for the $25. I love you. “Mr. Longley, why are you called such? What sort of name is Longley?” “Well, I suppose it’s because I have a gigantic wang, son.” AND HE DOES! IT’S GODDAMN AWE INSPIRING!