Hades (RJ) was meandering down the street on a pressing spring afternoon. He careened off this light pole and that wall and generally gave the area a feel of unease. He had gone through seventeen cigarettes in three blocks from smashing into things. This was his passion though, perversity breeding excitement, low level as it was. His black dress shirt, hemmed straight and low, and a bit oversized, flapped a in the warm breeze. As he came to a corner, he stopped and leaned onto a beaten mailbox and finished his current smoke. He admired the artful graffiti of the space pandas and looked in the box to see what was inside. "When I was a child, I did childish things" he said, peering into the box, now with a flashlight. "As an adult, I still do." His passing interest waned and he stood, still leaning, and wondered just how many little bitty letters were in that box. He wondered if there were any cereal coupons. He wondered if anyone had sent off a jar of pee in a fit of dementia. "Who hasn't...?" he said. A passing man is a mid priced suit turned to stare and smashed into the light pole sharing its existence on the corner with the mailbox. Hades helped him to his feet. "Lucky you weren't smoking eh? Could have smashed it in and gone all bothersome" The man said his thank you and left with a casual "Goodbye" to which he got the reply of "Good luck, stay safe, don't get eaten by pumas" The man promptly smashed into another light pole. Hades’ attention was however now down the alley. Two nondescript teenage boys were in at the end, near a drain pipe and behind a dumpster. One of these polo shirted kids was against the wall bleeding from about the face. The other was standing over him. Hades thought this was probably not a blood viewing party, with the bleeder down for a better view. As he sauntered up, the unbled one looked up and stepped back, dropping into a generic suburb white boy defense stance. The bleeding kid just sat there. "WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN!" yelled Hades, quite loudly, putting his last two cigarettes into his mouth. He pulled out a battered Zippo and lit them. The wick being too high seemed to have enlivened the flame, and his forelock caught flame. "Rahhhh! Disarming distraction!" he said, running in a tight circle, holding his hand over the singed spot and pocketing the lighter. He then turned back to the kids, who were both no only aware of him and not each other. "So anyway, Monty Python reference and all" They stared blankly. Hades sighed "Damn kids these days.... WHAT IS THE PROBLEMMMMM" More blank stares. "WHAT!?" The beaten boy said "Uhhh, aren't you one of the teachers from school" The standing boy stepped back, though he had nowhere to go. "Oh... yeah, I guess I am... what names are both of you saddled with? Pablo.... Thibby.... Trunky....Wahlmark....Pooter?" "Mark" said beaten boy. "Zack" said not beaten boy. "Right right, gayest names ever.... so what is this, a lovers tiff?" Zack stepped back into the conversation. "He was pissing me off, so I hit him!" "Uhhhhh, so you stand by that logic?" Hades said, crouching down to look at the Mark. Mark's face was a little blued up and his nose was certainly broken, but no real harm. "What"? said Zack "Do you think that it was the right thing to do, hitting him because he pissed you off?" Hades said, slowly and phonetically, standing back to an upright and leaned back position. "Yeah! He was being an ass!" "Ok, I'm an authority figure in the plane of existence, so I want you both to make a choice. I'm going to either let you deal with the police or me. I know a guy named Kirk who's out on patrol now who'll take you both in, lock Zack up and tell both families. You'll get a much quicker lesson with me, but you can't go whining to your parents" Both of them stared at Hades, then at each other, and quickly agreed. "What, you two on probation for something”? He stared them down hard and ashed both his cigarettes with a quick and scary twitch. Zack came up with "Pot......" Mark came up with "...ermmmmememme uhhhhhh wellllll I got caught with some beer a while ago....." Hades looked up and rolled his eyes. "Ok, whatever, pothead, drunky, you're now under my lesson" They nodded "Zack, still hold that you should have beat up Mark for being rude and pissing you off"? "Yeah, I do, he was being an asshole!" Hades backhanded him into the alley wall, scraping up the right side of his face but not breaking anything. Mark stared wide eyed. Zack yelled "What the hell was that"! crumpled up on the alley floor. "You were pissing me off. It was a physical manifestation of your absurd logic." replied Hades, who was crouching down to talk to Mark. "So what did you say to him?" Mark gave up slowly "I called his sister a fat whore" "Oooooh that's a bad one" Hades said and turned in a little duck crouch fashion to face Zack, who had recovered and was sitting against the wall. "Hey Zack who's your sister" "Hanna... what... what the hell, she hangs out at your damn house all the time" "Oh yeah, I've been calling her Pongkin all this time.... yeah, Hanna... she's getting a lot better at smallbore" Hades turned around, still crouched, on one heel and shot his leg out, smashing Marks junk into his body. "Pongkin is a very respectable and pretty girl, who has a nice boyfriend, who takes her to the movies each weekend. She is in no way a whore, and these days, she's mostly muscle and could crack your ****ing head open like a melon." Mark wasn't doing much but squeaking. "Ok, boys, see how discussing is a much better form of dispute?" Zack nodded very fast, as did Mark, though lying fetal at the time and scraping his head on the ground. "Ok, good, here smoke these." He handed them the last halves of the two cigarettes. Zack took his cautiously and dragged on it. Mark didn't want to take his until Hades shoved it in his mouth and said it would make his nuts feel better. "Remember, Nuts and Nicotine start with N. Remember that when you are "N" pain." Hades said, following by laughing like a maniac. Both boys just looked askew at him. "Ok, friends all three of us?" They nodded again, Mark loosing his cigarette, Zack putting his out on the ground. "Ok, just to be fair, and since you've learned your lesson, you both get a free shot at me. I'll stand stock still for three minutes. You both have a single shot at me, and however you want. No joke, no trap, just out of pure equality." Zack got up rather slowly and stumbled, but came close to Hades, who had somehow in that space of time managed to open a new pack of Mild Sevens and light one up. He was standing with his arms out parallel to the ground. "Look, I'm Jesus!" he said and laughed long and with varied pitch. Mark drew back and punched him under his left arm, high on the ribs. Hades heard a finger break. Mark ran around in circled clutching his hand. "WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF ****ING ROBOT!?" "Never...." Started Hades, drawing in on his cigarette, "....punch a man's revolver" He shrugged the harness back onto place and checked the thumb strap. "Your go Zack, and don't punch anywhere I might be carrying something. If you break my Tic Tac container I'm going to break your dick off and feed it to a stray dog.... well maybe not but a man needs fresh breath you know"? He puffed like a train at the cigarette. Zack stood up, squared himself in front of Hades, drew pack, and punched Hades as hard as he could in his face. He drew back his hand timidly, a small cut welling up with blood between his knuckles. He looked up horrified at this Jesus Christ posing monster. Hades nose was smashed in, blood flowing down his face. The small bone above his nose had not broken, but punctured the skin and cut Zack's hand. "Pussy" Hades said, grabbing another cigarette and holding it in his left hand, digging in his pocket, finally getting his lighter out. "You busted up my smoke". He had his head tilted back, and to both boys' disgust, seemed to be swallowing the blood rather than stopping the flow. In a silent minute the caked blood solidified on his face. He lit the smoke and suddenly yanked his nose outward, pinching it hard and then letting go. No new blood flowed out. He pressed his finger to one nostril and then the next, each time blowing out large and disgusting blood clots. Both boys were still aghast. "Well, that's that. Here's twenty bucks, go to the drugstore, and buy some Bacitracin and some of those cloth bandages. Don’t buy the gay ass plastic ones, those are for sissy boys. On second though, get the plastic ones. Oh, and get some candy or something for yourselves. Little whiney pussies like candy right"? He laughed again, coughing this time, and a number of blood clots were sprayed on the wall. "Well, catch you kids tomorrow in school. If I hear about this in any other way then you beat the crap out of each other for fun, it's your asses. Zack, go beat off, it'll make you feel better. Mark, don't beat off, you'll regret it with that smashed up set there. Shut your mouth next time, fallacies equal damage ok? Now off with you, go try and buy some porn or something, whatever it is you kids do these days" Hades sauntered out of the alley, leaving both kids dumbstruck. "Ahhh youth" he said, reaching the end of the alley. He then promptly ran into a light pole. "****" He exclaimed.