Some one pounding on the front door awakens a man and his wife at 3 AM. The man struggles out of bed and goes to the door, opens it, and finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in a pouring rain. Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, what do you want?" "Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs. "Are you crazy? Not a chance," the husband answers. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asked the wife, not helping the situation in the least. "Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles. "Did you help him?" she asks. Now teetering on the edge of exploding, the guy says, "NO! I didn't help him! It's three in the morning and raining like hell outside." "Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember when the car broke down when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man." Now wide awake and knowing he'll be unable to go back to sleep, the husband went to the front porch and stood in the driving rain. "Hey, are you still out there?" "Yeah," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" asks the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband asks, "Where are you?" "Over here--on the swing," the drunk said. ______________________________________________________________ My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball." ____________________________________________________ Blonde On A Horse A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. _____________________________________________________________ The mind of a six year old is wonderful! First grade... true story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said," "Holy [censored]! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes. ______________________________________ An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong. After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things." That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair. His wife says, "Where are you going?" He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water." She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream." She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down.Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She says, "You forgot my [censored] toast."