WARNING: May be deamed as offencive by some people without a sence of humr

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Z3PR, May 7, 2002.

  1. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

    Mar 30, 2002
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    An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things,
    so they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
    After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but
    you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember
    That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from
    his chair.
    His wife says, "Where are you going?"
    He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water."
    She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?"
    He says, "All right."
    She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
    He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream."
    She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?"
    He says, "All right."
    She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
    He says, "I don't have to write it down.Vanilla ice cream with
    strawberries and whipped cream."
    Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon
    and eggs.
    She says, "You forgot my [censored] toast."


    Funeral for a Fish

    Little Nancy was filling in a hole in her backyard when her
    neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
    little girl was doing, he asked, "What are you up to, Nancy?"
    Without looking up, Little Nancy said tearfully, 'My goldfish
    died, and I've just held a funeral for him, and buried him."
    Nancy continued, neatly patting down the mound
    of earth. The neighbor contained a smile and asked, "That's
    an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Nancy?"
    "That's because he's inside your [censored] cat."


    This one's called the "Insanity Test".

    Find out if you're insane.




    John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was
    sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living
    room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

    John said that he would prefer the floor.

    The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he
    said, "Who are you?"

    "I'm Baby, and who are you?"

    "I'm stupid," he said.

    * * * * * *

    An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he
    had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and
    his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to
    save them both from temptation.

    One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed
    upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

    She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"


    Subject: Brick Layers Accident Report

    Australian bricklayer report

    Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
    accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
    equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had
    this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

    Dear Sir

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
    3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
    accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
    details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone

    on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found

    that I had some bricks left over, which when weighed later were found to be

    in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided
    to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side

    of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up
    to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
    went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent
    of the bricks. You will notice in Block 11 of the accident report form that

    I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
    suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
    Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
    proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
    fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
    section 3 of the accident report form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
    fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
    Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to

    hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At
    approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
    and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
    bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my
    weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
    building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

    This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
    lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed

    to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

    and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
    however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I
    again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I
    lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

    This explains the two broken legs.
    I hope this answers your inquiry.

    A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
    >behind him and whacked him on the head with an umbrella.
    >Rubbing his head, he complained, "What was that for?"
    >"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
    >Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
    >"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of
    >one of the horses I bet on," he retorted.
    >"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
    >Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up
    >behind him and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron
    >knocked him out cold. When he came to, he looked up at her and asked,
    >"What the hell was that for?"
    >She replied "Your horse called."

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