RLBstein
1/2 ton status
Funniest Thing I\'ve Ever Read
Subject: Only the mechanically inclined will understand
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
> the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> on boxes containing leather goods.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> their holes until you die of old age.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding
> heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your garage on fire.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you
> to say, "Ouc...."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you
> have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
> firmly under the fender.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
> hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
> is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
> from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
> your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
> is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
> aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
> same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
> first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
> its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
> them off.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
82 Blazer
Subject: Only the mechanically inclined will understand
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
> the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> on boxes containing leather goods.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> their holes until you die of old age.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding
> heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your garage on fire.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you
> to say, "Ouc...."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you
> have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
> firmly under the fender.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
> hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
> is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
> from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
> your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
> is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
> aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
> same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
> first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
> its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
> them off.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
82 Blazer
