Re: Sooooo....... How much lift do I need to fit 33s?
ok, just a few birthday jokes written by Phyllis Diller /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
Years ago, my non-nonsense bra started giggling so I dedicated my life to staying young. In fact, I've worked so hard on staying young it's beginning to age me!
I made varicose veins into an erogenous zone.
I halted the aging process by sitting on an air hose.
I replaced my enema bag with a pulsating shower massage.
And, I stole cells from Dick Clark's body and transplanted them into mine. (Well, actually, that didn't work. I started to grow facial hair and in the middle of the night I found myself saying, "It's got a good beat but it's kinda hard to dance to." But, anyway...)
Has it all worked? I don't know. Whenever I go to my psychiatrist, he still yells, "No, no, get UNDER the couch."
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"Nothing was happening in our marriage. I nicknamed our waterbed 'Lake Placid.' 'Our' song was 'Taps.'"
"The romance was dead anyway. That can happen when he drinks champagne from your slipper ... and chokes on a Dr. Scholl's footpad."
"I still dress young, though. To dress young, I shop at young stores. In a department store, I avoid sections with names like 'Ambulatory Fashions' and 'One Step Before the Grave' Boutique."
"Do you grab for all the gusto you can get? ... Or is it impossible because your hand is covered with an oven mitt?"
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall ... Never mind. I don't want to hear it!"
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I was in Florida recently working one of the big hotels. The crowd was mostly Senior Citizens. I was a smash. It was the first time I ever got a "crouching ovation."
But a stunned realization hit me -- along with a Wendell Willkie button -- half these people are younger than I am!
I like younger men! But sometimes I date older men, too. How to make them passionate? Whisper, "This could be your last one. Make it good!"
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I've always linked sex and finance. I guess it's because my dates have been Standard and Poor.
To Senior Citizens, financial security ranks right behind a sober cardiologist as the most important thing they could have. The important thing is to invest wisely during your peak earning years.
I personally have not had good luck with my investments. Once I dug for oil and struck Teflon.
Some people are terrible with money. You definitely need financial advice if:
* Your grocer won't accept your cash without some ID.
* Your bank suddenly announces its new siesta closing hours every time you walk in.
* You're driving a DeSoto ... and you're still making payments!
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When I was a kid growing up, my eating habits were not the best.
I was the only kid on the block whose mother gave her the Breakfast of Runners-up. My cereal would snap, crackle, and GAG.
I remember my father reaching into a big pot and ladling out some strange gray-brown substance to each of us kids. I held out my bowl and begged, "Please, sir, can I have some LESS?"
Like all kids at that time, I was guided by the Nutrition Food Health Chart. The foods? White bread, whole milk, eggs, and red meat. The FDA has now placed all four foods on their Death Chart. Do you realize that what was once "healthy" for me is now lunch time for laboratory Canadian rats? And they're spitting it up!
No wonder I look the way I do.
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How to tell if you need a face-lift:
* You occasionally trip over your neck.
* At least one philosopher has pointed to your face as proof that there is no God.
How to tell if the plastic surgeon you consult is someone you should probably avoid:
* His coin purse looks like someone you know.
Don't overdo it with the iron supplements, however. I've got so much iron in my bloodstream now, I attach my earrings with magnets.
Don't overdo it with the medications either. I'm now taking 13 pills a day ... ten just to cure what the other three did to me!
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On Exercise:
* Just as riding to hounds is known as "the Sport of Kings," jogging is rightfully known as "the sport of morons." BUT, the good thing about jogging is that, at least you look like a YOUNG moron.
* Actually walking must be my sport, because every time I wink at a younger man, I get told to "take a hike."
* I've watched every single TV exercise show! Frankly, I'd rather be in bed reading, "The History of the Blister."
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Things I'd Rather Do Than Show Proof of My Age:
* Sell my first-born.
* Set my nose hairs on fire.
* Be fitted for a birth control device with Crazy Glue.
Avoid Certain Food That Marks You As "Old":
* Stewed prunes.
* Poached egg on whole wheat toast.
* Lorna Doone Cookie.
* Saccarine.
Do Not Eat At:
* Any Chinese restaurant that calls itself "The House of Wind."
Avoid Certain Clothing That Marks You As "Old," too:
* Veiled hats
* Orthopedic shoes.
* Veiled orthopedic shoes.
* Anything made of buffalo.
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I would be in much better shape today if only ...
* I had never gotten that kidney transplant from a lifelong bedwetter.
* I were a "perfect" 10 instead of a "cumulative" 10 (five parts of me are rated 2.)
* I hadn't caused that disturbance in Baskin-Robbins by asking for a thirty-second flavor.
* On my honeymoon night, my husband hadn't hung out a "Please Disturb!" sign.
But, at least I'm not like the entertainer with the wig, capped teeth, false eyelashes, fake fingernails, rear padding and a silicon job who goes out on stage and sings, "I Gotta Be Me."
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I'm waiting for scientists to come up with NEW vitamins ... miracle ones that help women cope with physical ailments that are REALLY bothering them.
These are the vitamins we need:
Vitamin M -- Gives you the strength to open a bottle with a child-proof cap.
Vitamin Q6 -- Won't let fat from Ding-Dongs accumulate directly on your thighs.
Vitamin J7 -- For ladies in Las Vegas who spend 12 hours at a time pulling slot machine levers ... counteracts paper cup calluses.
Vitamin P -- If you sit by a stove in wintertime ... prevents your skin from cracking.
Vitamin Z1 -- Turns your liver spots into Krugerrands.
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* One advantage of sex with a younger man: he'll concentrate during love-making! An older man is apt to lose his place. Also, foreplay is just the beginning!
* A DISadvantage of sex with a younger man: He may expect you to respond!
* To my first husband who always said I never brought him enough excitement ... I leave my exploding Pinto.
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The Last Word.
It has been determined that of all the human faculties, memory, hearing and sight -- the last to go is the urge and ability to make love. So, after you wear trifocals and a hearing aid, you'll still be making love! You just won't know with whom...
