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i know this doesn't belong here, but i can't post anywhere else

yeah life really is a big circle, sometimes it takes you down paths you never thought you could or would travel down and can be hard ot get off of, and sometimes you think and wonder about things so much like death and whatever that you freak out and whatever, but you keep living, so i dunno

screw any idiots who act liek idiots around you and make false assumptions and try to hurt you in any way and etc,

screw em

just do what you gotta do to keep alive and try to get ahead, without hurting others that dont deserve it anwways heh


its crazy... REAL crazy sometimes,., lemme tell ya......

im not happy with how my life is either, i wish i had known in the past where id be today, id have doen 99% everything all differently, . im real surprised im still around today, everything is jaded to me, life, happenings, occurances, worldy or not, nothing surprises me now,

im also in that i dont care and phuck it all mood,, have been for a good three years now pretty much,. i wont put up with any bullcrap now ill just snap anymore, am totally opposite than i used to be, i used ot let ppl run me over and do whatever, well not naymroe........


just staying alive.. that must be the whole point of our lives,, i dunno what else really is the whole reason that we are around, i cant see past it, im bored with it really, i tihnk our lives are too long, im about tired of it, but i worry about the end of the life, i figure im at least halfway through mine, if im even that lucky :/


we all have some issues of some kind or another, even the most seemgly perfect person that you know of has some issues underneath somewhere, you can sometimes spot one or more if you pay real close attention to how they talk or act, you can jut tell, everyones got some kind of physical or mental or emotional or etc problem of some kind somewhere,
this helps to keep my sanity when im feeling not good, remembering that others have some issues too somewhere,. jut that some are really good at hiding them than others,
im not good at hiding them and i let them get into posts of mine and ppl then i make myself look/sound real bad online, including here,,



side note:
i have a cat, adopted from my brother, i dont really liek cats much at all, the stupid thing always whines to get outside and wil try anything to, and its annoying, its name is papers..

i cant comment on that heh

good luck
 
hey guys, its sunday night about 11:15pm my time, i honestly can't beleave that i made it through the day, and i haven't done anything stupid. but now its night time, and the loneliness comes on hard. the nights are so tough on me. my ex-girlfriend just left. she came by about two hours ago. why? i don't know. we didn't really talk much, she told me about how her piece of crud boyfriend was caught both friday night and saturday night with a differnt girl. and how she was upset and hurt. and broke up with him. and that just added to my misery, becasue yes i still love her, and miss her. not only was she my girlfriend, but she was also my best friend, my wheeling "co-pilot", my "buddie" at the races, my "co-mechanic" when working on the cars. she could get "dress to kill" one minute, and the next throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and roll around in the dirt with me. and i hate to see her so hurt and upset, it kills me. so now ontop of what i'm dealing with i'm worried and concernd about her. when i walked her out to her car i could tell that she wasn't doing well. we arn't together and i respect that and her, so i never try anything, but i could tell that while we were standing by her car at least twice she wanted to hug me, but was afriad to, and i kept screaming in my head "hug her you idiot, she needs a hug, a shoulder to cry on" but i couldn't do it. i don't know why. i think that even though i still love her and would do anything in this world for her, i don't want anyone getting close to me right now. becasue i don't want to let anyone down. but i'm really worried about her now, its been about 30mins since she left, and she said she would call me when she got home, and let me know that she made it allright. she only lives 10 minutes away, tops..why hasn't she called? is she ok? it just stated to rain when she left and she drives a mustang gt, and she drives it like she stole it, she is always breaking the rear end lose when its wet out side...is she in the same mood that i am? the "i don't care anymore" mood, and wreck? ahh this is killing me..damn it, i don't need this right now!! oh why the hell do i have to have a heart? crap, well i better get in the ol blaze and start heading to her house, see if she is some where in a ditch, God i hope not!..and i don't freaking have gas in the truck!..argh!! this stupid heart of mine is really interfearing with my "i don't give a damn" mood. i'll be back...
ok well its now 1:30am, i have driven to her house three times now, shes not at home, i have't found her car in a ditch, and she is not answering her phone, dang it! now i definatly can't sleep. every bad thought one could think of is going through my mind. i've got enough on my plate right now, and don't need this, but i care too much about her to not worry. arrgh i just want to scream and break something right about now. if she hasn't answered her phone by 2am i'm gonna head back out and see if her car is in her drive way, if not, i guess i'm gonna have to drive all over town..good thing its a small town. man once i know she is safe, i'm gonna have to do something about this having a heart and caring b.s. thats for sure...damn i should have hugged her!
 
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its o.k. buddy. you should just put it all on the plate and tell her that you only have just so much you can do for you now, and dont need this extra crap. if she whants you back then come back and be the friend first. thats what you need now most of all.. well i half to get ready for work now so have a good day.:D
 
been there

I'm a disabled vet, who used to be in the Special Forces. Trust me bro, I feel your pain. Going from a stud to being on disability is a hard one to overcome. My so called friends don't talk to me anymore either. Only my closest one still does, course we have been best friends for the last 20 years. I just spend my time with my family and kids and then go beat the hell out of my Blazer. That usually does it for me. It has also taken me almost ten years to come to grips with being disabled. I got more problems than a one legged man at an ass kicking contest, I just learned to take my time and quit trying to be the stud I used to be. I'll never jump out of planes again or go to combat again, or anything else deemed fun. So just learn to take comfort in the things you like, and learn to blow the stupid **** off. I always like to refer back to my motto, " F**K IT" lol,,keep yer chin up, and motor on,,,
 
Did you ever find her? I know how it is with the hole losing a girl you realy loved thing it sucks the big one. All i do is realize that shes the one that messed up and that she will never find another guy that will show her that much love. Hell i would have taken a bullet for that woman but i guess thats not what love is to some people. Oh well now my motto is from a song by the rapper JZ :blush: but it goes" I got 99 problems but a chick aint one" and thats the damn truth right there. I got enough stuff to deal with. but yeah still good luck man just tell yourself it will be allright and let it all go somewhere else. You know When im down the number one thing i like to do is vist my very good freind Mary Jane. Unfortunatly i cant do that any more becasue my new job requires drug tests but man That stuff allways keeps me company. And no im not promoting or condoning drug use im just sayin it sure did get me through and make things less boring. Deffinetly takes your mind off stuff :crazy:
 
hay buddy its me again. as funny as this sounds . i find great comfort talking to you and the other guys and gals on ck5 . its one big family. and kind of theraputic to talk to you with your problem and help you get threw them. i like to help those that need help and are willing to recive it and do somthing with it.

cheer up some good stuff will soon come your way just look in the spot you will least expect it:D . good night buddy and have a great day.

p.s. if you want to talk i will be off work the next 2 days and will be on here on and off a lot. just say the word and i am there.
 
Hey guys, well i never was able to find her last night. but much to my susprise there was a knock on my door around noon today and when i opened it she was standing there. I still don't know where she went last night. i didn't ask and she didn't tell. she just came by wanting to use my computer real quick for one of her college classes. i have dsl and she has dial up, so she uses my computer from time to time. she was here about 10 minutes, and i walked her out to her car. she asked my too look at something under her hood, so i did, and then she left to head back to college. I asked her if she would come by later tonight when she got out of class, and she just looked at the ground and said "i don't know". So i guess all she wanted was my dsl and to have me tighten somthing on the 'stang real quick. oh well. i have been trying to keep myself busy today, i cleaned the house again, took out the trash, cleaned out the inside of the blazer, and replaced three studs on one of my rear wheel..now i'm out of things to do, and stupid thought are creaping back into my head. what else? oh i burned myself with cigerettes the other day and i noticed today that the seem to be pretty infected. all red, hot, and oozeing. i thought about cleaning them out, but then thought "eh, who cares" a guy i used to work with invited me to go to foryd ice (not sure if thats how you spell it) this saturday. i haven't been wheeling in months, but i think i won't go. for the same reason i haven't gone in months..i lost my "co-piolt", and its just not fun without her. plus with my luck i'd break my truck, i already need a new power steering gear box, and a couple ball joints. i think its best that i just keep it on the street for now. but then i think, it wuld be good to get out of town and do something. and there is the fact the my gas guage is now actually sitting below "E", and i'm tapped until my next disability check. hmm i'm going stir crazy.. think i will try and go for a walk...some exercise and fresh air might do me some good..maybe i shuld get a leash/harness for my cat and take her too?...nah, eveyone would laugh seeing a tattoed, spiked hair guy walking a kitty down the sidewalk...
 
AudioMaster said:
You need religion.
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You know i have tried that twice...
the first time, i was told by some older gentelmen that "my kind was not welcomed there"
the second time i tried a few years later, at a different church, they told me that "i was living a life of evil sin", that i should change the way i look, change the music i listen to, and they even told me i should not be with my girlfriend becasue "i should only be in love with God" ..so yeah..that didn't fly to well with me..
but i do beleave in God, and even pick up the bible from time to time, but to be honest it has been quite a while since i have picked it up last
 
i really know how you feel with this situation as a whole. i was always the strong one and the protector. had a beautiful girlfriend of 4 years. then, my freshman year of college, some uninsured idiot plowed his truck into my car. i got pretty lucky as brain injuries go, i guess. but that first year of adjusting to medications and their side effects and significant life changes really brought me down. my depression tore my relationship apart and my friends tried to help, but they didn't know how to help the strong one when i felt weak. and i resented their concern, mistaking it for pity. so, i pushed them away. and, college and depression are a tough combo.

the good news is, life can improve. real friends stay, and the best friends are found in our worst moments, sometimes. college graduation showed me i could still succeed. i didn't talk to my ex for a few years, but we now talk most days, and life goes on. i'm still not satisfied with my life, but i just hold on, because i'm not done kicking a$$ yet.

when you have that urge to "end it", stick it out for one more minute. then ten, then a day, then a month. that's all it takes. you don't need to think of a reason right then, you just need will power. trust me. i still feel really down, sometimes, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. and, no shame in seeing a psychologist or counselor. i'd reccommend one with a bachelor of science (like mine), not a bachelor of arts. and, of course a master's and/or phd from a good university.
 
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Hey brutha....I think I remember talkin to ya awhile back about gettin a 14b for your truck...You're in Grass Valley too right? Gimme a phone # where I can reach ya, next time I'm out wheelin or fartin around in the shop, I'll give ya call. If ya feel up to comin along or comin over and drinkin a beer or sumthin, I'd love to meet ya. What part of town do ya live in btw? I'm a good listener too....No pressure dude, Just want to extend the offer to ya. And no more of this talk of cig burns and stabbin yourself...I understand though, sometimes it feels like your life is buried under and avalanch of $hit and theres nothing you can do. If your at the bottom of the bucket, there's only two ways to go- sideways and up. Up usually involves a giant step or ledge though....Picture the bottom of the bucket as thebottom of the last waterfall on the Upper Heldorado trail in Moab. Standing there looking up is a scary thing, the obsticle looks insurmountable and impossible to overcome. You have to scratch, scrape and claw your way up that ledge. It's a tough climb, things might break, you might have to try a few times....But it's NOT impossible. When ya finally make it to the top, the rest is cake. Just think about how good it's gonna feel to look back down at the bottom of the bucket and that ledge you thought you couldn't get over.Then turn around and carry onward and upwards. Food for thought brother.


And besides, you can't do some dumb sh!t like that....I don't wanna loose a potential wheelin buddy! :D
 
Man, that is some serious stuff. I could never imagine going through anything like that. I know I am new on here, in fact this is my first post, but I feel that I just have to tell you this. Man, even though you are going through a very, very tough time in your life, God is still there for you. As long as man puts their hope in temporary things (job, family, 4-wheelin, money, health, etc) we will be let down because those things will all fade away. But when a person puts their faith in Jesus Christ, they can have a lasting hope because he is eternal. Who better to help you out than the God of the universe, the very one that created you. GOD LOVES YOU!! There is nothing you can do to get away from His love. He loves you so much that He sent his son to die for you so that you could spend eternity with Him. I'm not saying that if you surrender your life to God then immediately all of your problems will go away, but you will have comfort like never before. I mean, who better to comfort you than the one that created you and loves you so much. God doesn't want religion, he wants a relationship with you. Even though people may not accept you, God does. He doesn't care if you have spikey hair and tattoos. I will be praying for you and if you have anything you want to share with me or ask me, you can email me at [email protected].
Tate
 
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hay buddy did you notice that you are now a member on here?:shocked: :smile1: :laugh: i just happened to look at your screen name and seen the member logo.:eek: :bow: :saweet: :thumb: cool looks like your luck is changing now :pimp: . hope things are going good for you. and hope to hear from ya soon. have a good day.:cool: :wink1:
 
sweetk30 said:
hay buddy did you notice that you are now a member on here?:shocked: :smile1: :laugh: i just happened to look at your screen name and seen the member logo.:eek: :bow: :saweet: :thumb: cool looks like your luck is changing now :pimp: . hope things are going good for you. and hope to hear from ya soon. have a good day.:cool: :wink1:
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WHAT!!! :eek: :eek: :eek: how and when did i become a member?..who ever is responsible for this, thank you very very much!!...this is so sweet!! :woot: :woot: :saweet: :thumb: :waytogo: i have been wanting to be a member for ages, but never had the extra change...thank you once again who ever did this, you made my day!!!
 
sheoldeblaze said:
WHAT!!! :eek: :eek: :eek: how and when did i become a member?..who ever is responsible for this, thank you very very much!!...this is so sweet!! :woot: :woot: :saweet: :thumb: :waytogo: i have been wanting to be a member for ages, but never had the extra change...thank you once again who ever did this, you made my day!!!
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ALRIGHT CK5 ,,,WOOO HOOO!!!! :saweet: :saweet: :thumb:
 
I hope for good things to come your way soon. You said you've tried religion but remember religion was created by people. Most "religion" is crap. Like gowheelin said, you do not need religion to have God. He'll never turn His back because of how you look or your "kind." Just try talking to Him. If you don't want to that's fine too but just know that He's watching over you. I'll be praying for you. Stay strong!
 
in my area we have a new kind of church. thay dont care if your black or white, male or female, gay or straght, so called normal or complet full out wacky looking. just as long as you belive in the big guy and like to hang out with people and have a good time. if you can find a church like this it might just be your place.

now i am no church person but this would be the kind of place i would go if i was one. just a nother idea from someone who cares for the fellow good guy.

and glad to see things have taken a turn for the better for ya. and have fun with the new found accsess to all the stuff we have on hear and have a great day.:D :thumb:
 
don't give up man, when you're at the bottom, there's nowhere to look but up. God loves you. He made you, and no matter how bad it seems now, He will take care of you. God uses people in different ways. He may be using this to tell you something or to make you a stronger person, or He may be using you in His plan for someone else. so don't give up, brother, God loves you and so do we, and you're in our thoughts and prayers.
 
sheoldeblaze said:
WHAT!!! :eek: :eek: :eek: how and when did i become a member?..who ever is responsible for this, thank you very very much!!...this is so sweet!! :woot: :woot: :saweet: :thumb: :waytogo: i have been wanting to be a member for ages, but never had the extra change...thank you once again who ever did this, you made my day!!!
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Hehe, I tried to pay for your membership, but someone had already beat me to it. Rock on dude. :) :D
 
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